Welcome, and GO FUCK YOURSELF

If you're easily offended stop reading now.
This is as far as you want to go.
For those of you still reading, you may or may not agree with everything I have to say here, but guess what that's why I'm writing it and not you.
Check back daily and I may or may not have updated, depending on how drunk or pissed I may be at any one time.
If you're reading this because you're looking for some political or social commentary on what it means to be living in the time of the death of the American Dream, somehow you have been misguided. I'm just gonna tell you about what pisses me off in-between jerk-off sessions, drinking and naps. Sorry.


Friday, October 2, 2009

Big Weekend

I'm going to Chicago for a Bachelor Party right now, and then flying to Cleveland Sunday to watch the Browns get trounced by the Bengals. Should be a good weekend, I will be back Monday with an update on the status of my liver.
I just hope this weekend doesn't involve me falling in a bush and waking up at a fat chick's house like the last time I went to Chicago, but I guess worse things could happen. Like that time I was running around naked on ecstacy with another dude in a field at night and the cops showed up and I tried to explain that we weren't gay but the cop's weren't buying it and then...I mean we had pants on... this is coming out wrong...I LIKE VAGINAS...
VAGINAS..VAGINAS..VAGINAS...and boobies..love the boobies...I gotta go I'm late for my flight.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

NHL Starts Tonight



I played Hockey growing up and every year I try to get into the NHL but the league goes out of it's way to pussify the sport more every year. So here's a good Hockey fights compilation for all you Hockey purists out there. Sorry the music is kind of shitty.

Video Cancer


I don't know if it's possible to get so mad at something that it gives you Cancer, but if it is I just gave it to myself watching Ann Coulter talk about Sarah Palin. I don't even have the time or space on this blog to explain how stupid and pathetic Sarah Palin and her followers are. Besides I have to go get a biopsy on the lump that is forming in my neck right now from the anger this is causing.

You've got to be kidding me.




Apparently DMX thinks he's gonna be an MMA fighter. That guy is like 5 feet tall and strung the fuck out on blow and god knows what else all the time, I really try to give this sport a chance but shit like this is all over the place. Man I love Alabama. Where else can you go get drunk, watch this fight, beat your wife up when you get home and then bang your cousin. Well come to think of it you can actually do that anywhere, but in Alabama they give you a brand new Chevy truck for accomplishing all that in one night.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I need new Friends.

I just realized that 6 out of 10 of my friends in my Fantasy Football League all have DUI's including myself. That's a majority. That also leaves an uneven amount of Designated Drivers, so some of us are gonna be repeat offenders.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT CONDONE DRINKING AND DRIVING! Ladies however, I do condone drinking until you think I'm witty, charming, and handsome. "Call me let's get a drink. You're gonna have to pick me up though. Long Story".

This makes me happy

Radiohead - 15 Step (Grammys 2009)


I found this video from Radiohead's Grammy performance and it's cheering me up right now.

Well there's always next year.

The Cleveland Indians finally got rid of Eric Wedge. Luckily I stopped giving a shit about Baseball a long time ago so this doesn't really matter to me. I'm just hoping the Browns front office takes note of this and doesn't take 7 years to get rid of Mangini. I mean look at the Jets now, they make a couple player moves-Mainly letting Mangini take all the players they didn't want with him to Cleveland-and now they're 3-0, and look pretty good. Goddammit I hate rooting for a perennial loser. I'm gonna go get a drink. Fuck.

I'm curious about Hitler today

Can anybody explain to me why Adolf Hitler is number 8 on today's top searches on Yahoo. Did they find him in the Arctic commiting penguin genocide. I don't get it.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

All I want for Christmas is two more Celebrity Deaths.

I know it's a little early and I don't really consider these two celebrities, but man this would be the greatest thing old St. Nick has ever brought me if he can deliver this one. Well this or Anna Rawson dropping her restraining order on me. I don't understand why it's so hard for her and the cops to believe that I was just taking her dirty undergarments out of the house and to the cleaners for her. I mean she is very busy traveling for golf tournaments and modeling shoots and doesn't have time to do her own laundry, and I was just trying to score a few brownie points by sneaking in the house in the middle of the night, and return in the morning with the clean panties. Apparently this is considered Breaking and Entering and also against several states privacy laws. Who fucking writes these laws anyway. People who have never tried to do anything nice for some anal from somebody that doesn't even know they exist, that's who. Cockblockers.

I've finally given up on the Browns

I've picked the worst time to do this seeing as I'm going to the game on Sunday, but I just can't do it anymore. I've been a Browns fan my entire life and it's just no fun anymore. I am sick and tired of not having anything to look forward to every sunday when I know the Clowns are gonna be on t.v. I at least used to be able to take comfort in the fact that the other Ohio team was such a bumbling laughing stock mess that they would make me feel a little better about my choice of team, but not anymore, their fans actually have a glimmer of hope this year.
I hate looking at Mangini on the sidelines, the offense is a joke. One touchdown in THREE GAMES. Usually my fantasy team sucks so bad that sunday turns into a drinkfest, but this year the football gods have spared me the humiliation of having to sit through browns defeats and my fantasy team getting crushed every week. So I'm officially renouncing my Browns fandom and putting myself out on the open market for a new team. All suggestions will be considered, except for the Steelers. I'm a dickhead but I'm just not the type of dickhead that roots for the Steelers. So send me an e-mail pitching your team and why I should be a fan. Winning team gets my devoted hatred.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The first and last time I tried Absinthe.

That subject line there could be filled in with various amounts of drugs and alcohol I've tried over the years but there aren't too many that I wouldn't give one more whirl, except for fucking absinthe. First off, the shit tastes horrible, and I've never been under the assumption that if I drink some I would go into a hallucination fit and cut my ear off or start seeing pink elephants all over the place.
I know that you have to drink large amounts of it over long periods of time and probably in much stronger doses than what you can buy at the local liquor store, but I do know that absinthe as with anything else I drink, too much of it, and you're gonna end up doing some dumb shit anyway.
Now up until about a year ago you weren't able to purchase this tasty treat. Unfortunately for me my roommate at the time was good friends with a lady who owned the liquor store down the street from us and she let him know the day she got the stuff in.
I come home from work one day and he informs me that he just made a purchase at the liquor store and brings out the bottle to show me. Now originally our plan was to wait until that Friday to crack into the stuff, but another one of our chronically drunk asshole friends was on his way over to watch the Monday Night Football game with us, so I immediately know the chances of that bottle making it sealed till Friday are now in the 0% range.

Now these guys are definately not gonna want me splashing their names all over this page because they still want to maintain what little respect they have amongst the local business community, so I will refer to them in their aliases for the remainder of the story. Chief Hairy Back(the Roommate) and Chief Bald as Eagle(the Chronically Drunken Asshole Friend).
 CHB starts telling CBaE as soon as he gets over to the house about his recent purchase at the liquor store. Someone, and I'm not sure who, ME, says that maybe we should just try a little bit and see how it tastes. Now anybody who has had a sip of alcohol in their LIFE knows what I just said  is bullshit. Nobody want's to just see how some liquor taste's you just want to know how bad is it gonna fuck you up. So basically I'm saying let's open this shit up and see how fucked up we can get, and I'm just waiting for one of them to give me the go ahead. They both are just as curious as me so we crack it open and read the instructions that it came with on how to pour it. Now the bottle comes with this stupid spoon that you're supposed to put a sugar cube on and then pour the booze over it and then stir and drink. I've taken lots of shots with stupid names and even stupider ingredients, but anytime you get a bottle of booze that comes with instructions and you have to purchase something else that you're pouring the booze over, you're night is already starting off in the wrong direction.
We follow the instructions and down the first shots. If you've ever tried Sambuca or Ouzo before, Absinthe tastes about the same, kind of like black licorice,  Warm green liquid black licorice, with shitloads of sugar floating in it. Yum. We are a bunch of idiots and the taste alone is not enough to ward us off, so we proceed to pour shot after shot, while slowly losing track of the Football game that was supposed to be the focus of the night. Now the stuff doesn't make you see shit but it is like 170 proof so it's basically like liquid fire.

Obviously we kill the whole bottle and now none of us gives a shit about the Football game and we decide there is only one thing to do with this crazy train and that's get the fuck out of the house and unleash some madness on the town.  It's a Monday night so there's not alot of bars open. We head out of the house and stop at the first bar we see that is open The Short North Tavern. We walk in and there's not very many people in their but there is a table of about 5 girls who are gonna regret coming to this bar in about 5 minutes. We sit down at the table next to them and start chatting them up. It turns out their out on the town for a  bachelorette party(kind of lame since it is Monday). CHB is talking to two of the girls and asking what their plans for the evening are and if they want some company, meanwhile next to me CBaE interrupts the brunette sitting next to him to ask her what the rest of them are talking about and she says to him "We're just busy trying to decide which one of you guy's each one of us is gonna take home tonight".  This conversation just got awesome. So me and CBaE start helping them decide who is gonna go home with whom and
CHB has gotten himself  into a deep conversation with the two girls next to him, they've  told him that they are lesbians and somehow convinced him to be the father of their unborn child. He's so fucked up though that he thinks they want him to carry the child for them, as in he walks around pregnant for 9 months and births this thing for them. Me and CBaE try explaining that they just want his sperm and one of them is gonna be pregnant with the kid but he's just not getting it. At this point they finally tell him they are kidding, that they're not lesbians and they don't want him to donate his sperm to them. He get's all upset and start's telling them they shouldn't be fucking with his emotions like that and gets up and goes to the bathroom. I get up and follow him in there and tell him what the other 3 girls have told CBaE and that if he'll just get over the whole lesbian sperm pregnancy thing that each one of us is getting laid tonight and maybe by multiple women. He won't drop it and says he wants to leave and he's pissed that they would fuck with him like that. I try to get CBaE to talk some sense into him but we're not having any luck and CHB walks out the back exit of the Bar.

Me and CBaE go back over to the table of girls and they obviously are confused as to why our friend is making a big deal out of the whole joke. We don't really have a good explanation for them except that he's wacked out of his mind on Absinthe and now he want's to go to another bar. Me and CBaE see him walking by the front door of the bar so we decide to go outside and try talking him into coming back inside and not fucking up the sure thing we have here. He's not hearing it though and just keeps saying "Fuck those bitches they're just fucking with my head". So we leave. I'm not happy about this still.
We head down the street to another bar where we know the bartenders.  We go in sit down and right away CHB notices that the bar has a bottle of Absinthe. Fucking great. We just killed an entire bottle of this liquid piss and now we're gonna consume some more. Fuck.

Now at this point we are all in the, I'm drunk and I know I'm drunk but I don't know how drunk I'm gonna be in 30 minutes when all these shots hit me phase. So we just keep downing these shots of Absinthe like water thinking everything is gonna be cool. About this time things start to get a little hazy, and I'm not quite sure if the bar's bottle of Absinthe was empty or we just decided we've had enough of it, but at one point I remember looking down at a full glass of whiskey in front of me. Why on earth I thought that switching from shots of Absinthe to glasses of straight Jack Daniels was a good idea and why this bartender is still feeding them to me is beyond me, but one of us in this scenario hates my guts and I don't think it's the Bartender.
CBaE is the smartest of the 3 of us at this point and has cut himself off. Actually he's just a huge gaping Vagina and can't hang, and think's he's gonna be productive the next day at work. Fucking loser. We all are now in no shape to be sitting at bar stools putting drinks away and agree we should drag our asses back home. As soon as we get out of the bar CHB starts running around,  arms stretched out swerving back and forth from street to sidewalk  while making airplane noies. We live less than a 1/4 mile from this bar but I immediately know it's gonna take us an hour to get there. We come up to a busy intersection right by Goodale park in downtown Columbus and CHB has now crash landed into a street sign at the back end of a church that is under contruction and is laying with his feet in the road and the rest of him on the sidewalk. At this point something posseses me to jump onto the hood of a moving taxi cab right by the intersection and stand up and start banging on the windshield and yelling jibberish at the driver and the completely freaked out passengers. Think about this scene for a minute. My friend who thinks he's an airplane has just crash landed into a street sign and is laying half in the road half out, I'm on top of a taxi cab yelling at the top of my lungs banging on the windshield like I'm King Kong, CBaE told me the next day it was pretty surreal and never wishes he had a camera more at any moment in his life.  I dismount from the hood of the car and notice that CHB has dissapeared and I ask CBaE if he knows where he went. He doesn't have a clue and is completely baffled by what is going on, we spend a considerable amount of time looking for CHB but with no luck. We decide that he probably went back to the house and we should head there ourselves.
As we approach our house I notice there is some sort of road sign sitting on the sidewalk right in front of the stairs leading up to our front door. It looks like it has been destroyed and then somewhat half-ass put back together. I don't really care about this right now and just want to go crash out before I do anything else that might  get me arrested tonight. CHB is already crashed out in bed and CBaE decides to drive home. He's really determined to get something done at work the next day, way more than my plans of sitting on the couch eating bad food and wishing for a quick death.

We wake up the next day and I go outside to sit on the porch and one of our neighbors is outside and she asks what were we up to last night. I said we just went out and had a couple drinks. She says that it had to be more than a couple because she was out on her porch last night when all of a sudden CHB comes walking up dragging a broken down street sign and stops in front of the house and starts putting it back together. She said the entire time he was doing this he kept yelling me and CBaE's names and telling us to hold up the sign while he hammered it back together. She said he was having an entire conversations with us as if we were standing right there. He says he doesn't remember anything after leaving the bar but does vaguely remember dragging the sign back and thought that we were right behind him the entire time. He also doesn't remember getting all pissed and thinking the lesbians wanted him to carry their child for him. Fuck Absinthe.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Douchebag overload



I've always known that Kanye West is a class A douchenozzle. I'm just glad he's finally gone and proven it to the entire world. Jay Leno on the other hand is not universally recognized for his awesome douchiness and I cannot figure out why, why in god's green earth does this bumbling tool have a t.v. show. At about the two minute mark in this video Jay asks Kanye what his dead mother would think of what he did. I don't know about you but if I just did something really stupid and embarrasing on national t.v. the last person I want asking me questions about it is Jay fucking Leno, and I sure as fuck don't want him asking me what my dead mother would think of it and then placing his hands on my knee to console me.
Kanye has already proven he's a jackass and he's got nothing to lose here, so why doesn't he just punch Jay right in that stupid fucking face of his right after he asks him this? The one time you expect him to blow up and he let's me down. If you ask me, America is the real loser in all of this.

Piss off lady.



I'm not a professional athlete by any stretch of the imagination. So I have no idea what it's like to almost shit the bed to the worst team in your division like the patriots almost did last night to the bills. I do however know that if I had a victoria's secret model sitting at home. I would be running out of that stadium as quick as fucking possible to go bang the shit out of her, and some old lady in a pant's suit with a microphone and a t.v. camera sure as shit are not gonna be the ones to stop that from happening, not after a night of 300+ pound men trying to crush me hasn't. Kudos, Tom. I wouldn't stop to talk Suzy Kolber either.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Favorite quotes

I drink alot and say some off the wall shit sometimes and so do my friends. These are some of the better quotes and conversations. More of these to come.

I wanna make a mess in your mouth

I would do horrible things to your vagina

Question: I blacked out on a Monday, what am I doing with myself
Answer: Succeeding

I would take an STD from a hot bitch. A curable one I mean, not one of those that you're stuck with for life.

That bitch is a bitch.

If people get me, they're cool.

Girl: Where are my jeans and panties.
Me: I don't know look under the bed.
Girl: Look you can have the panties if you're into that kind of shit, but I need my pants to get out of here.
Me: First off, that's kind of funny. But now, even if I did know where you're pants are I'm not telling you, so you can just go hail a cab out of here in your t-shirt.

Me talking to a Cop: I didn't pee on that guys leg. Go take a DNA sample of the pee on his leg and I guarantee that's not my piss.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Shawn Merriman: A Real American Hero

I've made it well known how much I can't stand reality T.V. and the worthless human beings that it makes famous. But out of all the trash and human filth that has been put on T.V. for people to see, the person I can't stand the most is Tila Tequila. Why the fuck this woman was famous in the first place is beyond me. Whoa, she had the most friends ever on myspace. That's on par with having the most emerald-dragon-magical however many fuck points it takes to make you invincible in dungeons and dragons. Nobody who has actual real human friends gives a fuck about either of these things.
So when I heard this over the weekend, I was extremely overjoyed. Now I'm not condoning hitting or choke-slamming a woman by any means, but I am condoning hitting and choke-slamming Tila Tequila. If you were gonna ask me a week ago who I would choose to beat the snot out of Tila Tequila, I could not have picked a better choice than a roided out NFL linebacker. So hats off to you Mr. Merriman, you sir are a truly great American. Now I'm just waiting for that strain of Super AIDS to hit the cast of The Hills and this will be the greatest week of my life.
Actually there was that week that I had sex with a real live woman, defeated Al-Qaeda, and got voted people magazines sexiest man alive. So this would actually be like the second best week of my life, still pretty good week though.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Hey Fuckface, nobody likes your kids but you.

I'm sure most people reading this are on Facebook or are at least familiar enough with it that you know what it's about. I'm also sure most of you know of my hatred for Twitter-if not you can read about it here.Anyway my point here is I'm slowly starting to feel the same way about Facebook that I do about Twitter.

I understand when you're a parent you want to take a bunch of photos of your baby so you and your kid can look back at them later in life and reminisce, that's great. WOO-HOO, you were so cute back then, and didn't make me regret the poor life choice I now realize I made by birthing you.
What pisses me off to no-end though is every one of you fucking assholes posting 50 million photos of your little bundle of joy on your page and telling me to check them out. I've met the fucking kid it's not that great.
I don't need you to send me a message telling me you just uploaded a bunch of pictures of the little fuckstain opening presents at it's last b-day party. I don't fucking give a shit, and neither does anybody else. One day you're gonna wish there was a way to cover up all evidence that you spawned that thing-just like my mom does everyday, and posting these fucking pictures all over the place for everyone to see is not a good start. Oh yeah, and before I forget-nobody likes your fucking pets besides you either jerk-off.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Stuff I hate right now

The Judicial System-I'm entangled in it currently and it's not fun. It's the reason I'm drinking a whiskey on the rocks at 3:35 on a Tuesday. That's right now for you morons reading this.
Women-kiss my dick.
I'm sorry about that last comment ladies, that's the booze talking.
Michael Vick-I can't get away with killing Fred Durst and this guy kills tens of dogs and is now making more than anybody reading this. This pisses me off so much I'm gonna punch a bum later.
Fall-It's coming around the corner and it means the end of golf season for me since I'm stuck in Ohio for another couple months. It also means the beginning of Football season which I like, but that brings out my least favorite people on the face of the Earth too. Steelers fans and people yelling O-H, and expecting me to say I-O instead of kicking them in the dick.

Listen up whores

If you're a woman at a bar, with a white baby doll t-shirt on, no bra, and nipples sticking out that could cut glass, don't get so goddamn pissed when I try and pinch them and sneak in a little nibble. Fucking prude.
Look it's not my fault daddy didn't love you enough-or maybe too much, either way who fucking cares. Don't get all slutted up, sloppy drunk, looking for attention and then offended when I notice it and want to play with your fun little nips. Also 9 out of 10 women polled this weekend agree that I am witty and classicly handsome. True story.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I was, having a good day.


I haven't been my usual super angry self lately. I don't know if it's because I don't have a job right now and no real stress that comes from having one, but anyway I happened across a picture of these fucking d-bags and my blood pressure went strait through the fucking roof. For those of you who don't know who these guys are, they are the grandsons of John Gotti, and used to have their own reality show. Shocker I know. Anyway, these fucking losers are everything I hate in one picture. As far as I'm concerned Jersey could fall off the East Coast and into the Atlantic Ocean and nobody would even fucking miss it. God dammit this country is full of idiots. I hate the one in the middle's face the most. Lots of people always ask me why I hate a particular thing and I never have a good enough reason to give them so I usually just say "Because I fucking can that's why", but with these guys, I mean just look at them. I'm pissed that I'm wasting this much time just talking about them. I'm gonna go smash one out and take a nap, and get back to a happy place. Fuck I'm pissed.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Everything you ever wanted to know about ramming it up your special lady friends backdoor.

I would not be surprised at all if my friend Dave wrote this article.

Why can't you just Die already.

Death from massive blunt trauma to the head is the only acceptable news story I ever want to hear again about this bitch.

I'm a Fucking Dumbass

Raise your hand if you've ever spent an hour and a half looking through your entire house, ripping apart everything, cussing at the dogs, and just generally looking like a lunatic, searching for a cell phone that is IN YOUR FUCKING POCKET. Dammit I hate being hungover.

This might come in handy for you sometime.

Found this and thought some of you might find it useful.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I want to be President of France

Click Here Dummies
I wonder if she's into guys with lots of free time and no drivers license, and a rapist wit. Come to think of it, I should just put an application on here for girls to fill out that want to date me.
Nah,
Then I'll just have to spend all day going through shit tons of applications, who has time for that shit.

Yay Bus Ride

So I rode the bus for the first time today, not on my way to a football game to get tanked. I guess I should preface this with why I'm on the bus in the first place. Last night I was having some cocktails and went to the restroom to relieve myself and decided to place a few phone calls while doing so, great fucking idea I know. While in the course of this I bump my elbow on some stupid shelf on the wall and knock the phone out of my hand and it lands strait in the toilet as I'm flushing it. So I hurry up and grab the phone as it's getting sucked into the abyss of the local sewage system. I tried turning it back on a couple times but it would only flash on for a second and then turn right off, so I take the battery out cause I've gotten plenty of phones wet and I know to separate the two and let it dry out. I notice that the battery's indicator is showing it's fucked, but the phone is fine. So I decide to go to the phone store in the morning and get a new battery.

I wake up and look up the nearest phone store on the internets, and take off on my bike to get the battery. I get to the store and the dipshit working there informs me that they don't sell batteries just the phones. I tell him that those phones come with batteries and just take one out of the fucking box and put it in my phone and see if it fucking works. He says he can't open a box because they're sealed and that voids the warranty. I leave and get directions to a battery store before I get any more pissed here and start breaking shit.

It's quite a hike and I don't feel like biking it cause I'm hungover and I hop on the bus. When I get on I take one of the two remaining seats left, thank god it was in the front and not downwind from the somalian guy in the back who had the worst b.o. and was telling somebody a story about how's he's found out where to shower for free and now he takes like two showers a week. Obviously he's lying. We make a stop in the middle of campus and this fairly attractive blonde gets on and sits next to me. I'm sweating profusely after the bike ride and getting my blood pressure up at the phone store. She immediately takes notice and asks why I'm soaking with sweat. I think of lying but then I just tell her I was riding my bike before I got on the bus and it's hot and I sweat alot. This not being enough to satisfy her curiosity she asks me why am I on the bus now and where's my bike since there weren't any on the bike rack on the front of the bus(I had ridden over to a friends and left it with him after I left the phone store). So I decide to tell her the whole story. Where I'm going, why my phone is fucked, why I can't drive, how my friend fell in a fish pond at a bar, wandered around the bar parking lot in just a flip flop and his boxers soaking wet. Got a DUI. She turns and looks me strait in the face and says "Why I can't imagine why some girl hasn't just snatched you right up already". I now love riding the bus.

Monday, August 10, 2009

These are great

These are my two new favorite websites. Check'em out.

Fucking Movie Reviews
The Fucking Weather

Dyke cops suck my balls.

I was recently taken into custody for operating a motor vehicle while under the impairment of alcohol, allegedly. Even though I passed the field sobriety test with flying colors, while wearing a shirt that's not to "gay friendly". I had the feeling the two male officers were sympathetic to my situation. I had a soaking wet friend who had fallen in a gold fish pond at the bar. Who I had to quickly get out of the bar, sitting in the backseat, but that's a story for another time. Anyway, I was convinced they would let me go, but officer bull dyke was having none of it and insisted I be taken into custody. So I spent the next three hours sitting in a police station in handcuffs looking at pornhub.com with the cops there and refusing to blow into their stupid machine, and just having a generally shitty time.

I'm back bitches.

I've been gone for awhile but I'm back now and as pissed off as ever. I'll be bringing lots of updates and informing you of everything that's out there worth hating, which if you know me is fucking everything. You would think with endless amounts of free time and nothing to do to fill it I would be able to complete the simple task of sitting here in my undies and typing out all the shit I hate on a regular basis, but I have proved even that is too hefty a task. So have no fear, I'm back and won't be leaving you again anytime soon, go fuck yourselves. The Bear.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

This Week's Top 10

I've been in an unusually good mood lately so this weeks top 10 is going to be a break from the norm. This week it's the top 10 things I like right now. Don't worry there's still plenty of shit I hate right now, but even I have to take a break from hating shit so I don't kill myself.

10. This Shirt- This is what I will be getting pops for Father's day.
9. This Chair- I'm sick of crushing my balls all the time. It's about time somebody cured this problem for me.
8. Naps-Who doesn't like naps. People with careers, and family's, and friends who will acknowledge them in public. Fuck those people.
7. Brett Favre- Lots of people hate him, but not me. I hope he comes back for the next 15 seasons, as long as it's not for the Browns.
6. This photo gallery-That is all.
5. Smashing one out and then taking a nap-Makes your nap so much more enjoyable after you've just violated yourself.
4. Fingerblasting-I just love that word. I'm pretty sure it's my all-time favorite word, besides fuck. Fuck you can just use more in day to day conversation.
3. Not blacking out for an entire weekend-It's been awhile since I've been able to accomplish this very lofty goal, but barring any incident tonight I should be good.
2. My future Wife- It's not stalking if you don't get caught right.
1. This Guy-You didn't think I could really go a whole week and not mention this fucking tool. I'm currently working on my own wikipedia page. Right now I'm getting to the part where I track down and rip out Fred Durst's vocal chords, so nobody has to hear his shit ever again, and then I am proclaimed "The greatest man alive". Best wikipedia page ever.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

This Week's Top 10

10. Tila Tequila-Is it too much to ask for her to catch a case of Super Herpes.
9. Saddlebag's Wilson-I'm still pissed about the armpit hair in my beer incident. Fuck you Wilson.
8. Oprah-I've been saying for years that this cunt is a fucking retard. Stupid housewives with no life and who contribute nothing to society are the only people who put any stock in anything Oprah has to say.
7. David Stern-He fined Lebron 25 Grand this week for walking off the court and not doing any post game interviews. He's the face of the League and has been the perfect role model from the day he went pro. He is what you would want every athlete to be, freakishly talented good teammate and good of the court. Give him a pass you fucking moron.
6. Beer-Since I recently gave up whiskey I've been drinking lots more of it and it's making me bloated as fuck and it takes me like 15 of them to get a buzz, and if I drink a shitload of draft beer the next day is gonna be brutal. I hate to say it but me and whiskey might be "hooking back up".
5. I'm a Celebrity hunt me down and shoot me in the face-This isn't even worth hate watching, I tried 5 minutes of that shit until these 2 showed up on the T.V. I wish alot of bad things on alot of people but AIDS wouldn't be enough for these 2.
4. People who follow Tiger Woods around the golf course all day-I spent Friday at The Memorial Tournament with a buddy of mine and he's never seen Tiger golf before so naturally he wants to follow him all day. I didn't mind since he's never seen him before but fuck, the amount of annoying fucks following him all day is unbearable. If you go to a PGA event this year avoid the Tiger herd like the plague.
3. Deodarant-Pitting is at an all time high for me right now and this deodarant I'm using is fucking my PH all up. I can be sitting down in air conditioning not even the slightes bit warm and my pits are flowing, it's ruining my day.
2. Obviously-He's been dethrowned this week by the biggest bitch on the planet.
1. Kate from John and Kate plus 8-Listen up bitch, nobody gives a fuck about your 8 kids,or your stupid fucking haircut. Watch 2 seconds of this show and you can tell that husband wants nothing to do with her and is only there for the money. I hate that stupid fucking van they drive. I hate everything about this cunt. She should leave the husband marry Fred Durst and drive that van off a fucking cliff with them both in it. That would be the greatest day of my fucking life.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Fuck you, you fat cunt

If you drive a red Honda Accord Ohio license plate ANT LALA. I fucking hate you, you studid fucking cunt. Learn what a fucking turn signal is you fat bitch, and the bitch is a Steelers fan of course.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Fuck Brian Hartline. Seriously, I'm gonna kick his ass.

A couple of years ago, I think 2006. I had a little run-in with a certain Ohio State football player, and since then I have sworn to all my friends that if I ever see him again I will whoop his ass.

Let me catch you up on what has happened with me and this guy so far. One night after an OSU football game, I was driving through campus on my way back home with my roomate's girlfriend we'll call her Jen. We are in her car and I'm driving. We come to a stop light at the south end of campus right in front of a place called the gateway, which is a pretty busy intersection and there are a bunch of bars there and cops pretty much all over. I feel a little bump on the rear end from the car behind us, it wasn't that hard and I had been drinking and cops were right there so I pulled off through the light, we then come to another red light and again another bump on the rear end. This time I get out. Here's what happened next.

Bear: Hey man, what are you doing. you just rear ended us twice in a row.
Target of my Hatred: Just do yourself a favor and get back in the car.
Really Angry Bear: What did you just say.
Brian Hartline: You need to do yourself a favor and just get back in the car, you don't know who I am, you should just get in the car and drive away.
Super Angry Bear: Oh, fuck no. Get out of your motherfucking car right now asshole; I should add here that there are at least 200 people around, his car is parked right on our bumper and there is a car behind him. So he's pretty much stuck.
Brian Hartline: I ain't getting out of the car fuck off.
Bear:(trying to open his door) get out of the fucking car; I realize he's not getting out of the car and Jen is standing in front of his car on the driver's side. I go to the back of his car and take a picture of his license plate with my camera phone in case he drives off. I at this point have no idea who this idiot is. I then go over to the passenger side of the car and reach in through the window and try to pull him out of the car. I can't undo his seatbelt and pull him out so I grab his phone charger and yank it out of the plug and start whipping him with it in the face and arms. I'm hanging in the window half in half out and then he slams the car in reverse and starts to pull forward and bumps Jen with his car, I continue to whip him with the phone charger and try to get him out of the car while he backs up and pulls forward again getting Jen out of the way and taking off and throwing me out of the car and then he peels out and turns right going the wrong way down a one way street.

The cops are heading over to the scene of all this now after he squeals out of there and I yell out asking if anyone just witnessed what happened. Two guys come over besides all the cops and I'm showing them the license plate and they happen to work at the Buckeye's practice facility and they tell me who the car belongs to. When the cops hear all this half of them just leave and the ones that are left are busy talking Jen out of pressing charges against him for hit and run. Even though I was driving it's her car and her decision. The football team was Number 1 in the country at the time and the cops are doing everything they can to protect one of the starting wide receivers by convincing Jen the worst idea on Earth right now is her pressing charges, they even go so far as to say when this gets out her name is gonna be all over the news and there might be possible backlash from the community against her for getting one of the star football players arrested and possibly ruining the season. Unfucking real, but it's working on her. I just want to find this dude and kick the ever living shit out of him.

After we leave and finish talking to the cops, they tell her they have the report and she has 3 days to file charges, which she never does. I meanwhile am busy trying to find anyway possible to contact somebody on the football team or somehow get ahold of this cocksucker and kick his fucking ass. Obviously that never happened.

Hartline recently got drafted by the Miami Dolphins and they are obviously my new favorite team. So I don't know if he's still in Columbus or not, but since I have this blog now I'm asking you the readers to do me a favor and send this to everyone you know, anybody I don't care, in the hopes that somehow it comes across Mr. Hartline's computer screen that I'm issuing him a challenge. Anytime, Anywhere you piece of fucking shit. I will meet you and gladly give you the asswhooping of a lifetime you miserable fuck. Just let me know and I'm there. I'll even do it wearing a fucking dress, any conditions you have I don't care, I just want one meeting and that's all I need.

Fuck VH1

This channel is getting worse than MTV. At first the shit they put on there was kind of laughable in it's ridiculousness i.e. Flavor of Love. Now they don't seem to show any signs of doing anything but giving rejects from all their shitty shows their own shows i.e. New York goes to work, and Daisy of Love. These diseased cunts are the worst things on T.V. right now.
Is there a way that I can just tell the Cable company what channels I want and just pay for those and get rid of all the other shit before I kill somebody, FUCK.

This Week's Top 10

10. Mike Brown-You have the best player in basketball on your team and you can't find a way to beat the Magic. I was a supporter of this guy but obviously I was wrong. I'm pretty sure I could get high on crack and do a better job than this guy.
9. The dick who put the little metal fence along the edge of the patio at Will's Tavern in Chicago. I tumbled over said fence and my foot caught in it and I fell into a bush. What are you protecting with that fence fuckhead, the mulch. Take it down.
8. Deodarant- I've gone through about 6 different kinds of deodarant in the last couple months and none of them are working. I don't stink but as soon as I put it on in the morning I start pitting like it's my job. My ph is all fucked up I guess. Do not buy Right Guard with the power stripe unless you have thick skin, that shit ate the skin off my armpits, horrible.
7. My Beard-I'm getting lots of jokes at the expense of my beard, and it's getting old.
6.Paul Schaffer- A friendof mine recently reminded me how big a fucking douche this guy is, enjoy the video.
5. John Mayer- I've hated this guy's music for quite awhile but it seems like he's in the news more and more lately and I don't even know what for. He make's music for soccer mom's to jam out too on the way to their stupid fucking kids games. Fuck John Mayer.
4. The girl who made out with my friend the Jew saturday at Will's took him home and would only give him an H.J. Who the fuck still gives Handy's you cunt, we're not in high school anymore and any guy over the age of 10 is better at doing it to himself than you.
3. Saddlebag's Wilson- This dick of a friend of mine decided that me tumbling into the bush at the Will's saturday wasn't embarrasing enough for me so he decided to yank out a couple of my roomate's armpit hairs and drop them in my beer when I wasn't looking. Thanks goober. You're gonna get yours next time I'm in Chicago.
2. Karma-constantly biting me in the ass. Fuck Karma.
1. Obviously this guy is not being dethrowned anytime soon. This year for Christmas I'm asking Santa for my favorite lead singer to catch the HIV.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Stupid American of the Week James Harrison

That title might offend some people but I'm making an exception for this fucking guy. I mean who goes on T.V. and makes a statement like that. No shit if Arizona won the Super Bowl the President would have invited them, that's why you get invited to the White House, because you win. If he invited every team in every league that's all he would do everyday is meet with athletes, I know politicians don't do much as it is but that would just be excessive. James Harrison is a fucking moron, and his son getting attacked by the family pit bull is just karma if you ask me.

Friday, May 22, 2009

This Week's Top 10 Shit I Hate.

10. Marilyn Manson-Why do all the good musicians die of drug overdoses.
9. This Show-Seriously, this actually has made it onto T.V. God I fucking hate the E channel.
8. American Idol-Thank god this shit is over, somebody told me it was the lowest rated of the finales. The only reason I give a shit about this information is that hopefully this means they won't put this shit back on T.V. again.
7. Carlos Mencia-So on top of being the least funniest person with their own comedy show, he also has a twitter account. You know that he's about as mexican as The Pope right.
6. Queen Latifah-She was on American Idol this week, combining my two favorite things, fat black lesbians I can't stand and music that makes me wish I was deaf.
5. My Fucking Hair-Still in the middle of the pack but I have a feeling it's taking a turn for the better very soon. Actually, I don't. I just need some glimmer of hope right now so that's what I'm going with.
4. Whiskey-I've stayed away from it for 3 weeks now and my hangovers are extremely grateful and so is my liver. I just hope I don't get sloppy drunk this weekend and accidentally "hook up" with it.
3. Humidity-This will surprise nobody that knows me, but I'm a bit of a sweater and it's getting close to the time of year when it's getting humid out and that makes it 1,000 times more likely that I need two shirts wherever I go.
2. This Guy-If you see this guy, kick his ass. Or buy him a shot of Jack Daniels either one will do.
1. Fred Durst-Some people don't understand why I hate this guy so much, those people also have lives and contribute to society. So whose the real idiot in this scenario.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

My Future Wife?



I know that this blog is supposed to be all about shit I hate, but it's my blog so I'll do with it what I see fit. And right now I'm gracing it with an image of what can only be described as the woman who has ruined my last pair of clean undies.

Her name is Anna Rawson and she's from Australia and is a Professional Golfer. I once dated a girl from Australia while I was in the Navy, she was fairly attractive maybe a 7 but with the accent she was a 10. I don't know what it is about women from Australia's accents that does it for me, but whatever; I'm in love with this woman. If anyone has any way of arranging a way for Anna here to give me a private lesson shoot me an e-mail, I'll be patiently waiting by the computer waiting for the e-mails to start flooding in. Otherwise I'm going to be forced to follow her around the LPGA tour and violate several states stalking laws.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

E.S.P.N. Did I Fuck Your Mom? Part 2

In the last post I covered the basic reason I have come to loathe the Worlwide Leader on a daily basis. In this part we will cover the people on the channel that need to go, and some of the shows that we could do without.

First off, everybody on Sunday NFL countdown except for Ron Jaworski needs to go. Berman stopped being funny a week after he started and now is more of a annoyance than anything else. He needs to be "rumblin, bumblin, stumblin, whoop, whooping," to the fucking unemployment line. Get rid of this fat fuck. The rest of the panel can barely speak English, and if I have to listen to Keyshawn Johnson relate everything that is going on in Football now with what was going on in his career my head is gonna explode, he was once told by his team to just not even show up, just go home and sit on the couch and we'll pay you, we just don't want you anywhere near the field, we're good. Sounds like a guy I want on my broadcast team. Well I guess he did replace the guy who got caught with hookers and blow in his hotel room. At least Irvin was fun to laugh at though. The show is so long and drawn out, they publicly fellate the fucking Patriots every 5 minutes on there and it needs to go.

Around the horn is another show I could do without. There is a reason these people all became sportswriters at newspapers. They shouldn't be on fucking T.V. If you ask me sportswriters are some of the most sanctimonious pricks to ever walk the earth. I have a tendency to always think I'm right, mostly because I am, but I never think that my opinion on something is what everybody else's view should be. These fucking jerk-offs love having their opinions matter. They get to do the hall of fame voting, they get to vote on the college football standings, when .1% of them have played college football. Now you're gonna put a bunch of them on T.V. and inflate there egos more. I wish my opinion on things had as much influence as these morons, asian women would never drive again that's for sure. There is no reason that these guys should have any say so with anything to do with sports except to write about it. That's it. Letting these guys vote on the College Football standings every year is like giving a busload of Jerry's kids power tools and telling them to build a house, it's fucked. Morons.

Now let's get to my favorite part about the Worlwide Leader in Sports Stuart Scott and Skip Bayless. First of all Stuart Scott is the whitest black guy on the planet. I have jewish friends who are blacker than this guy(if you've seen my friend larry devour a plate of chicken wings you know). I could rub shoe polish on my face and announce the highlights with an urban dicitionary in front of me and do a better job than this guy. It wouldn't be such a problem if he would just face the fact that he is a white man in a black guy's body, but he can't. So he has to try really hard with all the "booyah's" and "takin it to the hizzy" I've never wished so many bad things on a person like I have when I watch this guy doing sportscenter. I'm pretty sure I've wished bad things onto his kids before too. Maybe a mild case of retardation, yes, no, over the line, maybe. I don't care fuck this guy.

My favorite person by far and away on this channel is Skip Bayless. First of all I have absolutely no idea how this guy qualifies to be on ESPN talking about sports. I know he has been a prize winning journalist and once accused Troy Aikman of being gay(where he gets off accusing anyone of being gay is beyond me, just watch this guy for five minutes, he is gayer than AIDS)
but to give this pile of filth his own forum where he can blather on for hours on live T.V. is just pathetic, I would spend more time ripping on this guy, but he doesn't deserve that much space on this blog.

He is the reason I can't stand ESPN now, it's all about opinions and drama and ratings. I just want to see highlights and scores, and interviews. How about broadcasting shit people want to watch. Not shit that is just gonna make them hate every athelete around. I have done plenty of fucked up shit in my life but it's not news because I'm not famous. These athletes are just like you and me, if somebody showed up at my door and told me they were gonna pay me millions of dollars to play sports, you can bet your ass I'm gonna end up on the news someday doing something I shouldn't have, people are gonna make mistakes, especially when you're young and have been given a shit ton of money to play a GAME. All these jackasses on ESPN now just sit around a table and spew on about how stupid these guys are and how they let their team down with their actions. This kind of shit has been going on for decades, Babe Ruth was a drunk womanizer, but to almost every person around he is arguably the greatest baseball player ever. If ESPN were around then he might not of even gotten into the hall of fame. ESPN is just a small picture of basically everything that is wrong with society, nobody wants to make an effort to put something intelligent out there, fuck no, that takes time and effort.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Last Week's Top 10

Sorry I'm a little late putting this up, I've been busy trying to find a cure for "Swine Flu" and by Swine Flu I mean my hangovers.

10. Tila Tequila-I checked and she is still alive and I am not too happy about this people.

9. Driving-I'm getting really sick of it lately and people on the roads are not helping me with this. Pretty soon I'm going to be carrying a box of nails in the car and randomly just throwing them out the window.

8. The Cold-I have one and it sucks my sleeve is covered in my own mucus and my throat is killing me. We really don't have a cure for this yet, fucking ridiculous.

7. My Golf Game-It has recently taken a nose dive and I really don't have anything to blame it on but myself and I'm not too happy about it. So I'm blaming it on Fred Durst.

6. Daisy of Love-It's bad enough they had a second season of Rock of Love, now they are taking one of the whores from the first show who didn't win and giving her a show. If you are feeling down about your life just watch 5 minutes of the douchebags on there trying to win a "date" with this diseased whore and you will feel like "the most interesting man in the world" from the dos equis commercial.

5. My Fucking Hair-I recently got a new haircut so I'm not as pissed as I have been in the last week's with it so it's hovering in the middle of the pack right now.

4. The Boston Celtics-I'm actually putting them up here because I'm glad their gone and I don't have to see Paul Pierce and his chin pubes on my T.V. anymore, thank god Orlando finally didn't blow a fourth quarter lead.

3. My Beard-Not much improvement here in the last week. I'm thinking maybe a can of spray on hair will fix this patch that won't grow on my face.

2. Cats-I was around some this weekend and I'm allergic to them and I'm convinced this is why I'm getting sick now. I have no actual medical proof to base this on I just have decided that I hate cats and they have now made me sick. Fuck cats. I kick them when people aren't looking.

1. Fred Durst-Limp Bizkit has just finished up their European reunion tour and now they are in the studio to record a new album.(leaves room and finds needle to puncture own eardrums)The only thing that could make me happier now is if Insane Clown Posse release an album at the same time.

Monday, May 11, 2009

I don't need to have a gun in the car ever.

Earlier today I was in the car with my roomate and he was driving. There was a van in front of us in the lane to our right, when all of a sudden they pull into our lane and slam on the brakes. They put on their turn signal but just sat there and didn't get into the turn lane. So their just at a complete stop right in front of us and my roomate doesn't notice until the last minute and has to swerve around them and almost clips their back end. After we pass them he flips them off and I figured they turned and got on the highway. But then I noticed them pulling up next to us. I lean out the window and start yelling at the guy.

Here is our conversation from what I can remember.
Stupid Middle Easterner(Go Figure)-Is there a problem.
Me-Yeah, you just stopped in the middle of the fucking lane and we almost ran right into you, fucking moron.
Stupid Fuck-It was not my fault.
Me-You are a shitty fucking driver and you almost caused an accident you moron.
Stupid Fuck-Have you ever been confused, It was not my fault.
Me-Oh it's not you're fault you're a shitty driver. Well my bad I'm sorry.(Roll's up window while moron is still talking)

My roomate was laughing so much at my conversation with the guy that I couldn't stay mad at this guy so I just rolled up the window while he was talking. Now if there had been a gun in the car this escalates into a legal problem I just don't need right now. I may not have used it, but I definately would have waved it in his face at least to try and make him shit his pants. I need counseling.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

This weeks Top 10

10. Tila Tequila-why is this bitch even famous. She looks like a gremlin and somebody needs to kick this bitch in the cunt. Stat.
9. Glenn "Big Baby" Davis-He hits the game winning shot in last nights celtics-magic game meaning more Paul Pierce on my T.V. which is enough of a reason to hate him. But then he has to bowl over some kid in the stands after making the shot and then gives the worst post game interview. He could not have sounded more like a caveman. Fuck this dude.
8. Baseball-See the below post.
7. Minnesota Vikings-There are alot of people out there bitching about my beloved Brett Favre coming back and I blame this squarely on the Vikes. He isn't the one soliciting this, they are coming after him and my favorite sports channel of all time won't stop talking about it and pissing everyone off.
6. Tila Tequila-I really hate this bitch right now and I'm lazy so I'm putting her on here twice. Somebody please smack the shit out of her.
5. My Fucking Hair-It's fallen back to Number 5 this week from Number 2. It's looking a little better this week, and I've decided to try and grow a beard and it's not working out so well so I'm more pissed about that.
4. My Beard-I've always been lacadasical about the shaving and since I currently have no reason too, I've decided to grow a beard for the NHL playoffs even though my team is out, it's as good a reason anyway, but somehow my face is unable to grow hair in a one inch square on my face and it's really fucking this up for me.
3. Whiskey-I've loved you for so long but I've decided to take a little break from you. I mean you almost killed me last week, not to mention you're constantly getting me kicked out of bars and also to blame for all the recent falls that I've had. It's not you it's me. If we're meant to be together we will come back to each other, but for now it's over.
2. Fred Durst-Mister consistency. I can't wait for this talked about new Limp Bizkit album to come out.
1. I'm a Celebrity get me out of here- I saw a commercial for this show last night and there is not a single person on this show who is a celebrity. Heidi and Spencer, Janice Dickinson, Stephen Baldwin, these people are famous for being fucking pathetic. They are dropping these people in the jungle or some shit and have to live there for a month. They should call this "I'm a douchebag and somebody needs to hunt me down in this jungle and shoot me on live T.V. I'd fucking watch that.

Fuck Baseball

I've had it with professional baseball. I'm sick of hearing about the steroids, the congressional hearings, the hall of fame voting. I don't fucking give a flying fuck anymore. They don't have a salary cap and these guys are the most outrageusly overpaid of any of the major sports.

When I was younger I played baseball and watched a decent amount on T.V. But there is no way you could even pay me to sit through an entire game on T.V. now. How am I supposed to give a shit about a game in the middle of May when you play 162 games in a fucking season. It is completely pointless to watch a game unless it's September. Going to a game use to be a good time too, but now it costs so much fucking money I'm expecting a blow job for the 7th inning stretch with how much I'm shelling out for the ticket, beers, shitty food, and some of your teams shitty merchandise. Who wants to pay $200 for two people to go watch your team play say the Pittsburgh Pirates in June, in a game that don't mean shit against a team that I'm pretty sure me and 8 crackheads could beat.

Bud Selig is the biggest joke of a commisioner of any sport of any era I've ever seen. He lets the steroid use get completely get out of hand and then when Congress gets involved he acts completely aloof like he had no idea that it was that big of a problem. Look at the fucking players today compared to the ones 30 years ago you fucking moron. I mean I know there is more of an emphasis on conditioning and working out now more than there was then, but come on most of these guys look like they could be playing linebacker in the NFL.

If I played Major League Baseball 20 years ago I would be lobbying the Hall of Fame voters that no one who played past 1990 should be voted into the Hall. It's a fucking joke what these guys have done to the game. They've turned it into the WWE. Nobody has any respect for the players and no kid growing up gives a shit about Baseball. Look in the obituaries tomorrow. Those are all baseball fans dying and there being replace with Football fans. Mark my words in 15-20 years no one is gona give a shit about baseball and no one is gonna be going to the games. I can't wait for it.

If you're in your late 20's or early 30's and have a son are you thinking of taking him to see your favorite baseball team to a meaningless game in any part of the season and dropping 2 bills on it, or would you rather go see your favorite football team play in a game that is gonna mean something since they only play 16 of them, and pay the same amount. Wake the fuck up baseball you're becoming slowly irrelavant and you've turned yourself into such a soap opera joke that nobody has the patientce for it anymore, lower the ticket prices, shorten the season and add more teams to the playoffs. With small market teams not being able to pay for the free agents to field a decent team most of their fans are never gonna see their team play for a pennant in their lifetime.

So in conclusion I would like everyone to join me in boycotting baseball until they make some changes, I mean they don't have a problem going on strike and missing half a season, why can't we do the same to them. Fuck'em I've already wasted enough of my time on baseball just writing this.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I Hate Asian Golfers.

Look I'm no Tiger Woods and you're not gonna be seeing my jolly ass on the Tour anytime soon, but I don't completely suck at golf. I can shoot in the 70's on occasion, but if you suck and you know you suck, let me play through you fucking jackasses. There is absolutely no reason why me and my friends played the front 9 in an hour and 40 minutes and then took 3 hours to play the back 9 Saturday.

There is nothing worse than standing in the middle of the Fairway for 20 fucking minutes while Chen, Chong, Lee, and Chan, line up every 3 and 4 foot putt up on the green. With a temper like mine I can barely keep from hitting line drives right into the middle of their foursome and then they have to go and pull some shit like that. This is not a Tour event jackasses it's fucking Saturday afternoon on a public course. Don't make me run you over with my fucking cart.

So if you live in the Greater Columbus area and golf beware, I may be in the foursome behind you, and if you're not keeping pace you better let the people behind you play through. I have hit people on the course with my ball before and I'm guessing I will probably do it again.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

I hate White Trash

If you were standing in line outside of the Newport in Columbus last night waiting to get inot the Twiztid concert. I was the one who drove through the muddy water puddles about 30 miles an hour and douched you all. Your welcome.

By the way I have no idea who Twiztid is but they must be some insane clown posse type band because I have never seen so much white trash dressed in face paint in my entire life. It was horribly pathetic, I almost wish the water I splashed on them was cyanide. That might have been over the line...Yeah I think it was. O.K. I wish it was poo. That better.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

This weeks Top 10 things I hate.

I've decide to make this list the Top 10 things I hate, because there's just so much stuff out there I can't stand. There are still plenty of people who need an ass whooping but there are many more things that just piss me the fuck off.

10. The Economy-I tell you what. I wish I could use the economy as an excuse for everything the way the news does. Like if a friend asks me to help them move this weekend. "I would help, but you know with the way the economy is right now I just don't think I'm gonna be able to do it."

9. Perez Hilton-This fucking douche asks a question to some ditzy fucking pageant contestant and then is gonna get upset with her opinion. If I threw a giant hissy fit every time I asked a stupid person a question I would never be able to order food at a restaurant, and I would never be able to go to the South again. Fuck this whiny queen.

8. The Weather-Fuck the weather.

7. David Spade-I was unaware that this monstrously large tool still had his own fucking T.V. show until I saw a commercial for it the other day. The fact that someone out there is watching it is pissing me off to no end right now.

6. H1N1 Virus-Yea I know it's called swine flu. But unless all you morons don't stop calling it that, every country that is dummer than ours is gonna keep banning our pork products and creating more job loss. Just call it "Ikea Flu" or "French Wine Flu" something that fucks somebody else over.

5. Ryan Seacrest-I don't know what to say really, fuck this dude.

4. Fox News-Earlier this week some moron on this channel(Sean Hannity) proclaimed that Kim Kardashian is a role model to young girls in this country. Yea good work Sean, I know every father in the nation wants to see his little girl in a sex tape with her mouth wrapped around some guys giant schlong. Fucking morons.

3. Fred Durst-Slowly making his way to Number one.

2. My fucking Hair-I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that it's falling out and I'm ordering a shitload of propecia and that shit better work, or I'm gonna have to start working out like 12 hours a day. There is no way I can go through life fat and bald. Nothing says hey ladies get it while you can, like an overweight really angry bald guy.

1. Jay Leno-I thought we got rid of this guy and now he's got another show that is the exact same thing as the last one except now it's on an hour and a half earlier. He's not fucking funny NBC, get it through your thick fucking skulls. He never has been and never will be funny. Have you seen Jay Leno's stand up before he was the host of the Tonight Show. I would rather change a old man's shitty diaper with my mouth than watch 5 minutes of Jay Leno stand up, honestly.

I hate the H1N1 Virus and the Economy

I refuse to call the H1N1 virus the "swine flu". You can't get it from eating pork you fucking morons. I would really hate to be a pig farmer right now. If I was a pig farmer I would call up the local news right now and tell them I have their next big story. I would have them come out to the farm with all their cameras, go out into the field and pronounce that I am doing the locals a favor and putting down all my pigs so there is no chance of spreading the swine flu to the town and then proceed to shoot every pig in the pen on live t.v. I'm guessing I would then be pronounced the greatest man alive. The interview would go something like this.

Stupid local reporter douche: So why have you called us out here today.
Me: Well these GD pigs are infecting everyone with their stupid flu, so I thought I would just do my part and stop them from infecting anybody.
Stupic local reporter douche: Well sir, I must say this is a very noble thing you are doing, I mean you're gonna waste your whole years income.
Me: Yes sir, but I'm a goddamn American and this is what needs to be done. We should probably just start putting down Mexicans like this too. That way the Economy will turn around also and they will stop stealing our jobs.
Stupid local reporter douche: Well let me just be the first to say that you sir are a true Patriot.
Me: Fuck yeah.

God we are so fucked.

Monday, April 27, 2009

"Don't leave your house, ever, or you're gonna die. Movie at 11."

My job requires me to spend pretty much all day in my car. Since I hate all the crap Clear Channel radio stations play, and they own almost every fucking station around. I usually end up listening to talk radio for the majority of my day. This really doesn't bother me since most of the stuff I listen to is all sports, but today as I'm driving around a commercial comes on for the local news, and the special investigative report that they are airing tonight. I don't really know who is greenlighting the ideas that the moron reporters in this town are coming up with, but that guy is assuardly gonna be on next weeks top 10. Tonight they are doing a story on how easy it is to obtain an official looking police uniform and badge, how to spot a fake cop, and not be arrested by one.

I'll give you a second and let you mull over that last sentence there for a minute........


Really? there are so many goddamn morons out there getting busted or harrased by fake cops that they have to do an entire special on it during the 5o'clock news. If you are getting arrested by a fake cop they should just lock you up in real jail on charges of being such a total fucking idiot that you are a danger to yourself and society.

Where are these fake cops taking you. What fake crimes are they charging you with. These details and more at 5. I can't wait to tune in to this riveting expose. I sure hope I don't fall victim to one of these guys while I'm out right now. I tell you what, somebody needs to go on a rape and killing spree soon so these morons have some real news to report, because the shit they are doing now is goddamn ridiculous. All they are doing is scaring the living shit out of the elderly, since they are the only ones I know who still watch the local news.

According to the 10 second flash of my local news guy on my t.v. Everything I eat today is gonna give me cancer, my doctor is a quack and is slowly poisoning me to death, my neighbors house just burned down, and somebody somwhere is thinking up a scheme to fuck me out of all my money. Oh yeah, and the weather sucks too.

Here are the top headlines I just pulled off my local news channel's website. If you suffer from clinical depression don't read any further.

Sources: Columbus to ask for income tax hike.

Pilot dies when homemade plane crashes.

Ohio: Condemned killer must prove disability again.

Company recalls meat and pasta products.

City to hand out tickets to free Leno show.

The most depressing thing here is the Leno tickets.

So basically if you were thinking of leaving your house today, don't. There are just way too many things that could go wrong and you're better off just sitting in bed and eating some twinkies, but eventually even that is gonna kill you too.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, this one's for you Burke. Fuck Jim Ganahl.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

This weeks Top 10 people who need a public ass whooping

10. Paul Pierce-I really hope the Bulls can pull off the upset in their series with the Celtics because there is no way I can stand another postseason of seeing this guy on T.V. Shave those fucking chin pubes off asshole you're not in junior high anymore.
9. The stack of money with eyes in the Geico commercial-I'm sick of that commercial.
8. Toby Keith-He is long overdue for an ass whooping. If you love kicking towel head ass so much why don't you sign your hick ass up for the service and go over there yourself fuckhead.
7. The Indian/Pakistani guy on Parks and Recreation-I don't know where he's from but this guy is a horrible fucking actor, and this show needs to be cancelled. Like 2 weeks ago.
6. Everybody on Around the Horn-This is by far the worst thing on ESPN. Actually I forgot they still air reruns of Stump the Schwab, so actually it's the second worst thing on.
5. Fred Durst-Somebody really needs to put a stop to his plan of a summer tour. Right now.
4. The guy who put a rug outside the front steps of Wonder Bar in Cleveland- I may have had one too many at the Cavs game the other night and taken a little tumble after tripping on said rug.
3. Andy Roddick-He recently married Brooklyn Decker officially fucking up my chances of hooking up with her, thanks dickhead.
2. Lou Holtz-This moron thinks that Notre Dame is gonna play for the National Championship this year. You don't deserve to play for a National Championship if you're coach has a FUPA.
1. The Browns Coaching Staff and entire Front Office- There is no doubt in my mind they are gonna make a gigantic mess out of this weekend. I'm currently taking suggestions for another team in the NFL to start rooting for. Except for the fucking Steelers.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Want My MTV

Along with the Worlwide leader in sports, there is another channel that irritates the crap out of me and if let up to me, would not be broadcast to anyone with a penis, and over the age of 12.
(If you are not penisless and under the age of 12. Then please for the love of god, STOP WATCHING FUCKING MTV.) I remember when they played music on this channel and even then it was only mildly tolerable. Now I don't even know if bands still make videos, so there's not even a reason too have this fucking channel.

For years they tortured me with that fucking TRL bullshit. There is nothing I would have loved more than to drive a bus through the crowd of morons standing in front of the MTV building everyday during this program. I would just use Natural Selection as my defense, and play the judge 2 hours of Carson Daly hosting TRL and Nickelback videos and there is no way anybody could convict me of any wrongdoing.

The endless amount of retarded programming on this channel is the worst. The Real World/Road Rules challenge is on like it's 10th season. Really? I want to meet the people taking time out of their day to sit down and watch that.(Please if you do watch the show, send me an email I want to talk to you) I myself have fallen victim to The Hills on several occasions. There isn't a single time you can tune into that show and not get so fucking pissed that somebody like Spencer is on fucking TV.

There are some people who are like, "you're just jealous cause there on t.v. and living a life you wish you could have". To which I have to say, "If I wanted to be a vapid whore with nothing to do but go to a pretend job and be a ditzy cokehead all day I guess you're right, I am jealous." What I really am mad about is that I live in a world where people are so fucking pathetic and stupid that they tune in every week and watch these motherfucking people and look up to them.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is, I just need a hug.

Top 10 Suggestions

Email me at bearspeak2124@gmail.com with suggestions for who you think should be on this week's top 10 people who need an ass whooping list. If I like you're suggestion I'll include them in the list, but I wouldn't count on it since chances are I probably hate your guts.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

This week's Top 10 people who need a random ass whooping

Every Friday I plan on posting the Top 10 people who need their ass publicly whooped and this week these are those fucking people.



10. Bill O'Reilly-This week he complained about Eminem's video with Sarah Palin in it. Bill we all know you've got a giant woody for her, get over it and just fuck Ann Coulter already and spawn the biggest political pundit pile of douche.

9. Fred Durst-Recently my favorite band of all time announced they are re-uniting to do a summer tour. I can only hope that Hinder, Nickelback and Seether are on the ticket too. Man I can't fucking wait. Kill me now.

8. Eric Mangini-I can't wait for another season of watching the Browns being the second biggest joke in the NFL(thank you Cincinnati for signing Tank Johnson).

7. Queen Latifah-I saw her in the crowd rooting for Lil Kim the other day on Dancing with the Stars and it just reminded me of how much I hate this bitch, but I really don't even know why, she still sucks.

6. Kathy Griffin-I mean really, can anybody stand this bitch. Really?

5.Crocs-Tim Tebow wears them, do I need to say anymore.

4.You-You're always driving 60 in the fast lane, buying 50,000 lottery tickets in front of me at the gas station when all I'm getting is some tylenol and Gatorade for my fucking hangover.

3. The next person who forwards me an e-mail that tells me to forward it to 10 other people or I'm gonna be cursed with 10,000 years of bad luck. Look asshole I have shitty luck already I don't need this shit in my fucking inbox everyday reminding me of it. Next person that sends me one of these is getting something in the mail from the Unabomber.

2. American Idol-Do we really need an entire show dedicated to picking the next talentless jerk-off to sing music other people wrote for them. There is enough shitty music being made already, besides this is just an hour of Karaoke every week with 3 now 4 gigantic douchebags critiquing them. Get off your ass people and go do something productive with your day instead of watching this shit.

1. Octomom-This fucking lady is trying to trademark the name Octomom now. This bitch is a bitch. She already had six kids before the octuplets and was on public assistance. If you see this bitch walking down the street, do me a favor and kick her right in the cunt so she can't pop out anymore fucking kids and I don't have to hear about it on EVERY FUCKING NEWS CHANNEL IN EXISTANCE. This bitch is everything that is wrong with society.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

E.S.P.N. Did I fuck your Mom?

There are alot of things that annoy and irritate me on a daily basis. Somebody cutting me off on the highway, finding out that limp bizkit is re-uniting for a summer tour. There's always just something pissing me off from time to time, but nothing can come close to the day to day annoyance and blood boiling anger I get when I watch ESPfuckingN. I mean what in the hell did we do to deserve the never ending torture from you? Did we fingerblast your sister when you brought her up freshman year and you were passed out on the couch downstairs. We're sorry. We have learned from our mistakes and grown from them, can you please forgive us and move on, and go back to the good times. When Keith Olberman had that awesome stache, and nobody had any clue who Stuart fucking Scott was.



When I was a kid, there was no greater sound than the dun-a-duh, dun-a-duh sound right before the start of sportscenter and knowing I was going to get to see the highlights from all the days sports action brought to me by Keith Olberman and Dan Patrick, fuck yeah. Since at the time most sports weren't televised and covered as well as they are now, this was pretty much the only outlet to get your total sports coverage. From the top 10 plays, to the rundown of all the latest major trades and free-agent signings. They had everything you wanted to know about every major sport, they reported it and that was it. They didn't go as in-depth as they do now because they only had one sportscenter a night. Give me the news then go to a live sportscast. Not 15 hours of Poker a night with Phil Helmuth taunting me to annihilate my T.V. with my 9 iron. God I hate that fucking guy.



Now there's 75 fucking ESPN channels. They have an entire ESPNews channel and still run Sportscenter 50 fucking times every morning. Why would I change the channel from ESPNews in the morning to Sportscenter. So I can see John Clayton's stupid bubble head repeating what he just told me 2 minutes ago on another channel. I get it, not everybody has ESPNews, but that still doesn't mean you need to run Sportscenter over and over again. Replay whatever you telecast last night in the morning at least it's sports, and not Mark Schlereth and Jesse Palmer jerking each other off in a roundtable discussion about fucking nothing I give a shit about.

The thing that pisses me off the most though, is the way they shove the Red Sox, Yankees, Mets, Patriots, and any other team within 300 miles of Bristol down my fucking throat. It wouldn't be so bad if these teams didn't have the worst fucking moron fans on the face of the earth. There is nothing worse than listening to a fucking Yankee fan drone on about how everybody hates their team and they fucking love it because, "Everybody's gonna be kissing our ass when we win the series". If that does happen I'm moving to fucking Canada.

I know there are people out there who eat, sleep, and drink sports but even those guys are sick of you're shit. I can't even root for a team anymore without hating half of the roster because you morons won't stop talking about their arrest a year ago for drunk in public or D.U.I, or whatever stupid shit the guy has done. Guess what, I don't care what these fucking morons do when they are not playing sports. Pete Rose is a degenarate gambler, do I give a shit, hell no. He's one of the greatest baseball players ever and he was fun to watch. Do I want to be like him, NO. I want to watch him play fucking baseball and that's it. I don't mean that what these guys are doing off the field doesn't impact teams or isn't news, it is, nor am I saying it's o.k. All I'm saying is report it like it's news and move on, don't cut to Skip Bayless(getting his own post because I don't have enough time to get into this idiot right now) and Stephen A. Smith arguing over what this means to the sports world that some super rich athlete went out, got drunk, and did something stupid. If these guys are getting out of hand and acting irresponsibly they are going to get suspended and fined and possibly kicked out of their respective league, and there is also a legal system that deals with them. I don't want it analyzed for 36 hours straight on Sportscenter that Plaxico Burress is the dumbest man alive and shot his own dumbass in the leg. T.O. is a shitty teammate I FUCKING GET IT.

This is all I can muster to type right now. Next Post we will cover why my blood pressure goes up every Football Sunday during NFL Countdown, and what I think of Stuart Scott, Stephen A. Smith, Chris Berman, and Skip Bayless. If I don't destroy my computer typing it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Tweet this.

I don't know if this is a sign of just how old and out of touch I am or not, but I motherflippin can't stand Twitter. I mean what in the fuck is the point of this retarded bullshit. If I wanted to know what people were doing, I would call them on the GD phone, not check their Twitter page. Everybody has one and I can't fucking stand it. Normally I buck trends just cause everyone is doing it and I don't want to fall in line even when I think it's cool, but I genuinely hate Twitter with a passion. If it weren't for Fred Durst still being alive Twitter would be No.1 on my shit list.

Here's what my Twitter page would say right now if I was so much of a socially inept tool that I couldn't interact with people on a face to face basis or on the phone so I have to do it with constantly updating a 140 character type space on a web page. "Chris is currently hanging from a tree because his life is so far in the crapper that he has created a twitter page to update you of his current status."

Here's a little sample from the Twitter website on the benefits of Why I should have a Twitter page.

Why? Because even basic updates are meaningful to family members, friends, or colleagues—especially when they’re timely.

Eating soup? Research shows that moms want to know.
Running late to a meeting? Your co–workers might find that useful.
Partying? Your friends may want to join you.

Let me just start at the top here.

If you update your Twitter page for the sole purpose of letting your mom know what your up to, you can just yell at her upstairs cause you are obviously in your 30's living in her basement. Log off World of Warcraft and go outside and talk to a human not attached to a headpiece.

If I'm your boss and you have time to update everybody via your Twitter page that you are going to be late to a meeting, your also gonna be updating your resume.

This last one kills me the most. If I'm out "Partying" everybody I would want to join me, would have received a phone call, from me, telling them where I'm going to be making an ass out of myself that night. If you ask me this is just a way for that loser at the office that everyone tells you not to invite out to find out where everyone is gonna be and just show up there. "Hey who's the dipshit that invited Wendell to Bennigan's for happy hour". "Bob posted it on his Twitter page before he left work so his mom knew why he was gonna be getting home later than normal". Now see the kind of problems this can cause.

The thing that annoys me the most about Twitter, is the frequency with which I have to hear every socially out of touch moron on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, and every other talking head on T.V. talk about it like it's an actual news source. "Angelina Jolie stated this morning on her Twitter page". Like it's the fucking bible or something, oh' her Twitter page said it so it must be true. My only hope is that Twitter can be used as evidence admissable in court, if so I'm creating one right now. "Chris is sitting at home right now watching The Daily Show at 11:15 and will be there the rest of the night, so there is no way that he could have beaten the creator of Twitter with a baseball bat at 11:15.

Another thing, do me a favor. If someone asks you today if you tweet, punch them square in the face.

Welcome to my Shitty Blog!

Hi my name is Chris and I pretty much hate everything. From the music I hear on the Radio everyday, to the enormous of amount of crappy reality T.V. that I can't seem to stop watching. Half the stuff I watch on T.V. is stuff I'm watching just to get more upset at it. It's like if I put my hand on the stove and it burns me, but now I'm angry with the stove so I put my hand on there again, and it burns me again. I just can't stop.

So I've created this blog and now I'm going to let everybody else know my pain and frustration with everything I see on a day to day basis, it's either this or I snap and end up hitting some poor schmuck in the face with a baseball bat, likely my roomate, not because I'm upset with him he just happens to be the closest person to me most of the time.

I will touch on lots of subjects on here, most of which I find most people agree with me on, and something needs to be done about, and some things that really annoy only me. For instance, I think the random ass whooping needs to be re-instituted. There are way too many douchebags running around town getting away with all sorts of douchebaggery and no one is calling them out on it. From the tool-bag at the bar in the TAPOUT/AFFLICTION shirt(I know "you're just wearing clothes that express your inner MMA fighter") these fucking guys need the ever living shit kicked out of them any time they are in public. I've tried starting this revolution on my own but it usually just ends up with me getting escorted out of a bar and my face being shown a close up of the front end of a police cruiser.

That's another thing I want to discuss. Why does the inside of a cop car have to be so fucking goddamned cramped. I mean you've already got me in cuffs and in the car, I'm not fucking going anywhere now so the least you can do is make it a little more comftorable for me back there. Is the average criminal like 3' tall and 75lbs or something. I mean if there was ever a time where 2 people my size 6' 1" 240 got arrested at the same time their gonna need more than 1 car, which is just gonna cost more money in gas to take us downtown, which adds up to a waste in government funds if you ask me. So to sum up, we could save a shitload of wasted tax money by not handcuffing me and putting me in the back of a cop car. This and many other ideas for saving taxpayer's money to come.

Well that's about it for the first post, my blood pressure is starting to rise from writing that last paragraph so I need to go smash one out and take a nap.