If you're easily offended stop reading now.
This is as far as you want to go.
For those of you still reading, you may or may not agree with everything I have to say here, but guess what that's why I'm writing it and not you.
Check back daily and I may or may not have updated, depending on how drunk or pissed I may be at any one time.
If you're reading this because you're looking for some political or social commentary on what it means to be living in the time of the death of the American Dream, somehow you have been misguided. I'm just gonna tell you about what pisses me off in-between jerk-off sessions, drinking and naps. Sorry.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I need new Friends.

I just realized that 6 out of 10 of my friends in my Fantasy Football League all have DUI's including myself. That's a majority. That also leaves an uneven amount of Designated Drivers, so some of us are gonna be repeat offenders.

Disclaimer: I DO NOT CONDONE DRINKING AND DRIVING! Ladies however, I do condone drinking until you think I'm witty, charming, and handsome. "Call me let's get a drink. You're gonna have to pick me up though. Long Story".

This makes me happy

Radiohead - 15 Step (Grammys 2009)

I found this video from Radiohead's Grammy performance and it's cheering me up right now.

Well there's always next year.

The Cleveland Indians finally got rid of Eric Wedge. Luckily I stopped giving a shit about Baseball a long time ago so this doesn't really matter to me. I'm just hoping the Browns front office takes note of this and doesn't take 7 years to get rid of Mangini. I mean look at the Jets now, they make a couple player moves-Mainly letting Mangini take all the players they didn't want with him to Cleveland-and now they're 3-0, and look pretty good. Goddammit I hate rooting for a perennial loser. I'm gonna go get a drink. Fuck.

I'm curious about Hitler today

Can anybody explain to me why Adolf Hitler is number 8 on today's top searches on Yahoo. Did they find him in the Arctic commiting penguin genocide. I don't get it.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

All I want for Christmas is two more Celebrity Deaths.

I know it's a little early and I don't really consider these two celebrities, but man this would be the greatest thing old St. Nick has ever brought me if he can deliver this one. Well this or Anna Rawson dropping her restraining order on me. I don't understand why it's so hard for her and the cops to believe that I was just taking her dirty undergarments out of the house and to the cleaners for her. I mean she is very busy traveling for golf tournaments and modeling shoots and doesn't have time to do her own laundry, and I was just trying to score a few brownie points by sneaking in the house in the middle of the night, and return in the morning with the clean panties. Apparently this is considered Breaking and Entering and also against several states privacy laws. Who fucking writes these laws anyway. People who have never tried to do anything nice for some anal from somebody that doesn't even know they exist, that's who. Cockblockers.

I've finally given up on the Browns

I've picked the worst time to do this seeing as I'm going to the game on Sunday, but I just can't do it anymore. I've been a Browns fan my entire life and it's just no fun anymore. I am sick and tired of not having anything to look forward to every sunday when I know the Clowns are gonna be on t.v. I at least used to be able to take comfort in the fact that the other Ohio team was such a bumbling laughing stock mess that they would make me feel a little better about my choice of team, but not anymore, their fans actually have a glimmer of hope this year.
I hate looking at Mangini on the sidelines, the offense is a joke. One touchdown in THREE GAMES. Usually my fantasy team sucks so bad that sunday turns into a drinkfest, but this year the football gods have spared me the humiliation of having to sit through browns defeats and my fantasy team getting crushed every week. So I'm officially renouncing my Browns fandom and putting myself out on the open market for a new team. All suggestions will be considered, except for the Steelers. I'm a dickhead but I'm just not the type of dickhead that roots for the Steelers. So send me an e-mail pitching your team and why I should be a fan. Winning team gets my devoted hatred.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The first and last time I tried Absinthe.

That subject line there could be filled in with various amounts of drugs and alcohol I've tried over the years but there aren't too many that I wouldn't give one more whirl, except for fucking absinthe. First off, the shit tastes horrible, and I've never been under the assumption that if I drink some I would go into a hallucination fit and cut my ear off or start seeing pink elephants all over the place.
I know that you have to drink large amounts of it over long periods of time and probably in much stronger doses than what you can buy at the local liquor store, but I do know that absinthe as with anything else I drink, too much of it, and you're gonna end up doing some dumb shit anyway.
Now up until about a year ago you weren't able to purchase this tasty treat. Unfortunately for me my roommate at the time was good friends with a lady who owned the liquor store down the street from us and she let him know the day she got the stuff in.
I come home from work one day and he informs me that he just made a purchase at the liquor store and brings out the bottle to show me. Now originally our plan was to wait until that Friday to crack into the stuff, but another one of our chronically drunk asshole friends was on his way over to watch the Monday Night Football game with us, so I immediately know the chances of that bottle making it sealed till Friday are now in the 0% range.

Now these guys are definately not gonna want me splashing their names all over this page because they still want to maintain what little respect they have amongst the local business community, so I will refer to them in their aliases for the remainder of the story. Chief Hairy Back(the Roommate) and Chief Bald as Eagle(the Chronically Drunken Asshole Friend).
 CHB starts telling CBaE as soon as he gets over to the house about his recent purchase at the liquor store. Someone, and I'm not sure who, ME, says that maybe we should just try a little bit and see how it tastes. Now anybody who has had a sip of alcohol in their LIFE knows what I just said  is bullshit. Nobody want's to just see how some liquor taste's you just want to know how bad is it gonna fuck you up. So basically I'm saying let's open this shit up and see how fucked up we can get, and I'm just waiting for one of them to give me the go ahead. They both are just as curious as me so we crack it open and read the instructions that it came with on how to pour it. Now the bottle comes with this stupid spoon that you're supposed to put a sugar cube on and then pour the booze over it and then stir and drink. I've taken lots of shots with stupid names and even stupider ingredients, but anytime you get a bottle of booze that comes with instructions and you have to purchase something else that you're pouring the booze over, you're night is already starting off in the wrong direction.
We follow the instructions and down the first shots. If you've ever tried Sambuca or Ouzo before, Absinthe tastes about the same, kind of like black licorice,  Warm green liquid black licorice, with shitloads of sugar floating in it. Yum. We are a bunch of idiots and the taste alone is not enough to ward us off, so we proceed to pour shot after shot, while slowly losing track of the Football game that was supposed to be the focus of the night. Now the stuff doesn't make you see shit but it is like 170 proof so it's basically like liquid fire.

Obviously we kill the whole bottle and now none of us gives a shit about the Football game and we decide there is only one thing to do with this crazy train and that's get the fuck out of the house and unleash some madness on the town.  It's a Monday night so there's not alot of bars open. We head out of the house and stop at the first bar we see that is open The Short North Tavern. We walk in and there's not very many people in their but there is a table of about 5 girls who are gonna regret coming to this bar in about 5 minutes. We sit down at the table next to them and start chatting them up. It turns out their out on the town for a  bachelorette party(kind of lame since it is Monday). CHB is talking to two of the girls and asking what their plans for the evening are and if they want some company, meanwhile next to me CBaE interrupts the brunette sitting next to him to ask her what the rest of them are talking about and she says to him "We're just busy trying to decide which one of you guy's each one of us is gonna take home tonight".  This conversation just got awesome. So me and CBaE start helping them decide who is gonna go home with whom and
CHB has gotten himself  into a deep conversation with the two girls next to him, they've  told him that they are lesbians and somehow convinced him to be the father of their unborn child. He's so fucked up though that he thinks they want him to carry the child for them, as in he walks around pregnant for 9 months and births this thing for them. Me and CBaE try explaining that they just want his sperm and one of them is gonna be pregnant with the kid but he's just not getting it. At this point they finally tell him they are kidding, that they're not lesbians and they don't want him to donate his sperm to them. He get's all upset and start's telling them they shouldn't be fucking with his emotions like that and gets up and goes to the bathroom. I get up and follow him in there and tell him what the other 3 girls have told CBaE and that if he'll just get over the whole lesbian sperm pregnancy thing that each one of us is getting laid tonight and maybe by multiple women. He won't drop it and says he wants to leave and he's pissed that they would fuck with him like that. I try to get CBaE to talk some sense into him but we're not having any luck and CHB walks out the back exit of the Bar.

Me and CBaE go back over to the table of girls and they obviously are confused as to why our friend is making a big deal out of the whole joke. We don't really have a good explanation for them except that he's wacked out of his mind on Absinthe and now he want's to go to another bar. Me and CBaE see him walking by the front door of the bar so we decide to go outside and try talking him into coming back inside and not fucking up the sure thing we have here. He's not hearing it though and just keeps saying "Fuck those bitches they're just fucking with my head". So we leave. I'm not happy about this still.
We head down the street to another bar where we know the bartenders.  We go in sit down and right away CHB notices that the bar has a bottle of Absinthe. Fucking great. We just killed an entire bottle of this liquid piss and now we're gonna consume some more. Fuck.

Now at this point we are all in the, I'm drunk and I know I'm drunk but I don't know how drunk I'm gonna be in 30 minutes when all these shots hit me phase. So we just keep downing these shots of Absinthe like water thinking everything is gonna be cool. About this time things start to get a little hazy, and I'm not quite sure if the bar's bottle of Absinthe was empty or we just decided we've had enough of it, but at one point I remember looking down at a full glass of whiskey in front of me. Why on earth I thought that switching from shots of Absinthe to glasses of straight Jack Daniels was a good idea and why this bartender is still feeding them to me is beyond me, but one of us in this scenario hates my guts and I don't think it's the Bartender.
CBaE is the smartest of the 3 of us at this point and has cut himself off. Actually he's just a huge gaping Vagina and can't hang, and think's he's gonna be productive the next day at work. Fucking loser. We all are now in no shape to be sitting at bar stools putting drinks away and agree we should drag our asses back home. As soon as we get out of the bar CHB starts running around,  arms stretched out swerving back and forth from street to sidewalk  while making airplane noies. We live less than a 1/4 mile from this bar but I immediately know it's gonna take us an hour to get there. We come up to a busy intersection right by Goodale park in downtown Columbus and CHB has now crash landed into a street sign at the back end of a church that is under contruction and is laying with his feet in the road and the rest of him on the sidewalk. At this point something posseses me to jump onto the hood of a moving taxi cab right by the intersection and stand up and start banging on the windshield and yelling jibberish at the driver and the completely freaked out passengers. Think about this scene for a minute. My friend who thinks he's an airplane has just crash landed into a street sign and is laying half in the road half out, I'm on top of a taxi cab yelling at the top of my lungs banging on the windshield like I'm King Kong, CBaE told me the next day it was pretty surreal and never wishes he had a camera more at any moment in his life.  I dismount from the hood of the car and notice that CHB has dissapeared and I ask CBaE if he knows where he went. He doesn't have a clue and is completely baffled by what is going on, we spend a considerable amount of time looking for CHB but with no luck. We decide that he probably went back to the house and we should head there ourselves.
As we approach our house I notice there is some sort of road sign sitting on the sidewalk right in front of the stairs leading up to our front door. It looks like it has been destroyed and then somewhat half-ass put back together. I don't really care about this right now and just want to go crash out before I do anything else that might  get me arrested tonight. CHB is already crashed out in bed and CBaE decides to drive home. He's really determined to get something done at work the next day, way more than my plans of sitting on the couch eating bad food and wishing for a quick death.

We wake up the next day and I go outside to sit on the porch and one of our neighbors is outside and she asks what were we up to last night. I said we just went out and had a couple drinks. She says that it had to be more than a couple because she was out on her porch last night when all of a sudden CHB comes walking up dragging a broken down street sign and stops in front of the house and starts putting it back together. She said the entire time he was doing this he kept yelling me and CBaE's names and telling us to hold up the sign while he hammered it back together. She said he was having an entire conversations with us as if we were standing right there. He says he doesn't remember anything after leaving the bar but does vaguely remember dragging the sign back and thought that we were right behind him the entire time. He also doesn't remember getting all pissed and thinking the lesbians wanted him to carry their child for him. Fuck Absinthe.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Douchebag overload

I've always known that Kanye West is a class A douchenozzle. I'm just glad he's finally gone and proven it to the entire world. Jay Leno on the other hand is not universally recognized for his awesome douchiness and I cannot figure out why, why in god's green earth does this bumbling tool have a t.v. show. At about the two minute mark in this video Jay asks Kanye what his dead mother would think of what he did. I don't know about you but if I just did something really stupid and embarrasing on national t.v. the last person I want asking me questions about it is Jay fucking Leno, and I sure as fuck don't want him asking me what my dead mother would think of it and then placing his hands on my knee to console me.
Kanye has already proven he's a jackass and he's got nothing to lose here, so why doesn't he just punch Jay right in that stupid fucking face of his right after he asks him this? The one time you expect him to blow up and he let's me down. If you ask me, America is the real loser in all of this.

Piss off lady.

I'm not a professional athlete by any stretch of the imagination. So I have no idea what it's like to almost shit the bed to the worst team in your division like the patriots almost did last night to the bills. I do however know that if I had a victoria's secret model sitting at home. I would be running out of that stadium as quick as fucking possible to go bang the shit out of her, and some old lady in a pant's suit with a microphone and a t.v. camera sure as shit are not gonna be the ones to stop that from happening, not after a night of 300+ pound men trying to crush me hasn't. Kudos, Tom. I wouldn't stop to talk Suzy Kolber either.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Favorite quotes

I drink alot and say some off the wall shit sometimes and so do my friends. These are some of the better quotes and conversations. More of these to come.

I wanna make a mess in your mouth

I would do horrible things to your vagina

Question: I blacked out on a Monday, what am I doing with myself
Answer: Succeeding

I would take an STD from a hot bitch. A curable one I mean, not one of those that you're stuck with for life.

That bitch is a bitch.

If people get me, they're cool.

Girl: Where are my jeans and panties.
Me: I don't know look under the bed.
Girl: Look you can have the panties if you're into that kind of shit, but I need my pants to get out of here.
Me: First off, that's kind of funny. But now, even if I did know where you're pants are I'm not telling you, so you can just go hail a cab out of here in your t-shirt.

Me talking to a Cop: I didn't pee on that guys leg. Go take a DNA sample of the pee on his leg and I guarantee that's not my piss.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Shawn Merriman: A Real American Hero

I've made it well known how much I can't stand reality T.V. and the worthless human beings that it makes famous. But out of all the trash and human filth that has been put on T.V. for people to see, the person I can't stand the most is Tila Tequila. Why the fuck this woman was famous in the first place is beyond me. Whoa, she had the most friends ever on myspace. That's on par with having the most emerald-dragon-magical however many fuck points it takes to make you invincible in dungeons and dragons. Nobody who has actual real human friends gives a fuck about either of these things.
So when I heard this over the weekend, I was extremely overjoyed. Now I'm not condoning hitting or choke-slamming a woman by any means, but I am condoning hitting and choke-slamming Tila Tequila. If you were gonna ask me a week ago who I would choose to beat the snot out of Tila Tequila, I could not have picked a better choice than a roided out NFL linebacker. So hats off to you Mr. Merriman, you sir are a truly great American. Now I'm just waiting for that strain of Super AIDS to hit the cast of The Hills and this will be the greatest week of my life.
Actually there was that week that I had sex with a real live woman, defeated Al-Qaeda, and got voted people magazines sexiest man alive. So this would actually be like the second best week of my life, still pretty good week though.