If you're easily offended stop reading now.
This is as far as you want to go.
For those of you still reading, you may or may not agree with everything I have to say here, but guess what that's why I'm writing it and not you.
Check back daily and I may or may not have updated, depending on how drunk or pissed I may be at any one time.
If you're reading this because you're looking for some political or social commentary on what it means to be living in the time of the death of the American Dream, somehow you have been misguided. I'm just gonna tell you about what pisses me off in-between jerk-off sessions, drinking and naps. Sorry.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

This weeks Top 10 things I hate.

I've decide to make this list the Top 10 things I hate, because there's just so much stuff out there I can't stand. There are still plenty of people who need an ass whooping but there are many more things that just piss me the fuck off.

10. The Economy-I tell you what. I wish I could use the economy as an excuse for everything the way the news does. Like if a friend asks me to help them move this weekend. "I would help, but you know with the way the economy is right now I just don't think I'm gonna be able to do it."

9. Perez Hilton-This fucking douche asks a question to some ditzy fucking pageant contestant and then is gonna get upset with her opinion. If I threw a giant hissy fit every time I asked a stupid person a question I would never be able to order food at a restaurant, and I would never be able to go to the South again. Fuck this whiny queen.

8. The Weather-Fuck the weather.

7. David Spade-I was unaware that this monstrously large tool still had his own fucking T.V. show until I saw a commercial for it the other day. The fact that someone out there is watching it is pissing me off to no end right now.

6. H1N1 Virus-Yea I know it's called swine flu. But unless all you morons don't stop calling it that, every country that is dummer than ours is gonna keep banning our pork products and creating more job loss. Just call it "Ikea Flu" or "French Wine Flu" something that fucks somebody else over.

5. Ryan Seacrest-I don't know what to say really, fuck this dude.

4. Fox News-Earlier this week some moron on this channel(Sean Hannity) proclaimed that Kim Kardashian is a role model to young girls in this country. Yea good work Sean, I know every father in the nation wants to see his little girl in a sex tape with her mouth wrapped around some guys giant schlong. Fucking morons.

3. Fred Durst-Slowly making his way to Number one.

2. My fucking Hair-I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that it's falling out and I'm ordering a shitload of propecia and that shit better work, or I'm gonna have to start working out like 12 hours a day. There is no way I can go through life fat and bald. Nothing says hey ladies get it while you can, like an overweight really angry bald guy.

1. Jay Leno-I thought we got rid of this guy and now he's got another show that is the exact same thing as the last one except now it's on an hour and a half earlier. He's not fucking funny NBC, get it through your thick fucking skulls. He never has been and never will be funny. Have you seen Jay Leno's stand up before he was the host of the Tonight Show. I would rather change a old man's shitty diaper with my mouth than watch 5 minutes of Jay Leno stand up, honestly.

I hate the H1N1 Virus and the Economy

I refuse to call the H1N1 virus the "swine flu". You can't get it from eating pork you fucking morons. I would really hate to be a pig farmer right now. If I was a pig farmer I would call up the local news right now and tell them I have their next big story. I would have them come out to the farm with all their cameras, go out into the field and pronounce that I am doing the locals a favor and putting down all my pigs so there is no chance of spreading the swine flu to the town and then proceed to shoot every pig in the pen on live t.v. I'm guessing I would then be pronounced the greatest man alive. The interview would go something like this.

Stupid local reporter douche: So why have you called us out here today.
Me: Well these GD pigs are infecting everyone with their stupid flu, so I thought I would just do my part and stop them from infecting anybody.
Stupic local reporter douche: Well sir, I must say this is a very noble thing you are doing, I mean you're gonna waste your whole years income.
Me: Yes sir, but I'm a goddamn American and this is what needs to be done. We should probably just start putting down Mexicans like this too. That way the Economy will turn around also and they will stop stealing our jobs.
Stupid local reporter douche: Well let me just be the first to say that you sir are a true Patriot.
Me: Fuck yeah.

God we are so fucked.

Monday, April 27, 2009

"Don't leave your house, ever, or you're gonna die. Movie at 11."

My job requires me to spend pretty much all day in my car. Since I hate all the crap Clear Channel radio stations play, and they own almost every fucking station around. I usually end up listening to talk radio for the majority of my day. This really doesn't bother me since most of the stuff I listen to is all sports, but today as I'm driving around a commercial comes on for the local news, and the special investigative report that they are airing tonight. I don't really know who is greenlighting the ideas that the moron reporters in this town are coming up with, but that guy is assuardly gonna be on next weeks top 10. Tonight they are doing a story on how easy it is to obtain an official looking police uniform and badge, how to spot a fake cop, and not be arrested by one.

I'll give you a second and let you mull over that last sentence there for a minute........

Really? there are so many goddamn morons out there getting busted or harrased by fake cops that they have to do an entire special on it during the 5o'clock news. If you are getting arrested by a fake cop they should just lock you up in real jail on charges of being such a total fucking idiot that you are a danger to yourself and society.

Where are these fake cops taking you. What fake crimes are they charging you with. These details and more at 5. I can't wait to tune in to this riveting expose. I sure hope I don't fall victim to one of these guys while I'm out right now. I tell you what, somebody needs to go on a rape and killing spree soon so these morons have some real news to report, because the shit they are doing now is goddamn ridiculous. All they are doing is scaring the living shit out of the elderly, since they are the only ones I know who still watch the local news.

According to the 10 second flash of my local news guy on my t.v. Everything I eat today is gonna give me cancer, my doctor is a quack and is slowly poisoning me to death, my neighbors house just burned down, and somebody somwhere is thinking up a scheme to fuck me out of all my money. Oh yeah, and the weather sucks too.

Here are the top headlines I just pulled off my local news channel's website. If you suffer from clinical depression don't read any further.

Sources: Columbus to ask for income tax hike.

Pilot dies when homemade plane crashes.

Ohio: Condemned killer must prove disability again.

Company recalls meat and pasta products.

City to hand out tickets to free Leno show.

The most depressing thing here is the Leno tickets.

So basically if you were thinking of leaving your house today, don't. There are just way too many things that could go wrong and you're better off just sitting in bed and eating some twinkies, but eventually even that is gonna kill you too.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, this one's for you Burke. Fuck Jim Ganahl.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

This weeks Top 10 people who need a public ass whooping

10. Paul Pierce-I really hope the Bulls can pull off the upset in their series with the Celtics because there is no way I can stand another postseason of seeing this guy on T.V. Shave those fucking chin pubes off asshole you're not in junior high anymore.
9. The stack of money with eyes in the Geico commercial-I'm sick of that commercial.
8. Toby Keith-He is long overdue for an ass whooping. If you love kicking towel head ass so much why don't you sign your hick ass up for the service and go over there yourself fuckhead.
7. The Indian/Pakistani guy on Parks and Recreation-I don't know where he's from but this guy is a horrible fucking actor, and this show needs to be cancelled. Like 2 weeks ago.
6. Everybody on Around the Horn-This is by far the worst thing on ESPN. Actually I forgot they still air reruns of Stump the Schwab, so actually it's the second worst thing on.
5. Fred Durst-Somebody really needs to put a stop to his plan of a summer tour. Right now.
4. The guy who put a rug outside the front steps of Wonder Bar in Cleveland- I may have had one too many at the Cavs game the other night and taken a little tumble after tripping on said rug.
3. Andy Roddick-He recently married Brooklyn Decker officially fucking up my chances of hooking up with her, thanks dickhead.
2. Lou Holtz-This moron thinks that Notre Dame is gonna play for the National Championship this year. You don't deserve to play for a National Championship if you're coach has a FUPA.
1. The Browns Coaching Staff and entire Front Office- There is no doubt in my mind they are gonna make a gigantic mess out of this weekend. I'm currently taking suggestions for another team in the NFL to start rooting for. Except for the fucking Steelers.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Want My MTV

Along with the Worlwide leader in sports, there is another channel that irritates the crap out of me and if let up to me, would not be broadcast to anyone with a penis, and over the age of 12.
(If you are not penisless and under the age of 12. Then please for the love of god, STOP WATCHING FUCKING MTV.) I remember when they played music on this channel and even then it was only mildly tolerable. Now I don't even know if bands still make videos, so there's not even a reason too have this fucking channel.

For years they tortured me with that fucking TRL bullshit. There is nothing I would have loved more than to drive a bus through the crowd of morons standing in front of the MTV building everyday during this program. I would just use Natural Selection as my defense, and play the judge 2 hours of Carson Daly hosting TRL and Nickelback videos and there is no way anybody could convict me of any wrongdoing.

The endless amount of retarded programming on this channel is the worst. The Real World/Road Rules challenge is on like it's 10th season. Really? I want to meet the people taking time out of their day to sit down and watch that.(Please if you do watch the show, send me an email I want to talk to you) I myself have fallen victim to The Hills on several occasions. There isn't a single time you can tune into that show and not get so fucking pissed that somebody like Spencer is on fucking TV.

There are some people who are like, "you're just jealous cause there on t.v. and living a life you wish you could have". To which I have to say, "If I wanted to be a vapid whore with nothing to do but go to a pretend job and be a ditzy cokehead all day I guess you're right, I am jealous." What I really am mad about is that I live in a world where people are so fucking pathetic and stupid that they tune in every week and watch these motherfucking people and look up to them.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is, I just need a hug.

Top 10 Suggestions

Email me at bearspeak2124@gmail.com with suggestions for who you think should be on this week's top 10 people who need an ass whooping list. If I like you're suggestion I'll include them in the list, but I wouldn't count on it since chances are I probably hate your guts.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

This week's Top 10 people who need a random ass whooping

Every Friday I plan on posting the Top 10 people who need their ass publicly whooped and this week these are those fucking people.

10. Bill O'Reilly-This week he complained about Eminem's video with Sarah Palin in it. Bill we all know you've got a giant woody for her, get over it and just fuck Ann Coulter already and spawn the biggest political pundit pile of douche.

9. Fred Durst-Recently my favorite band of all time announced they are re-uniting to do a summer tour. I can only hope that Hinder, Nickelback and Seether are on the ticket too. Man I can't fucking wait. Kill me now.

8. Eric Mangini-I can't wait for another season of watching the Browns being the second biggest joke in the NFL(thank you Cincinnati for signing Tank Johnson).

7. Queen Latifah-I saw her in the crowd rooting for Lil Kim the other day on Dancing with the Stars and it just reminded me of how much I hate this bitch, but I really don't even know why, she still sucks.

6. Kathy Griffin-I mean really, can anybody stand this bitch. Really?

5.Crocs-Tim Tebow wears them, do I need to say anymore.

4.You-You're always driving 60 in the fast lane, buying 50,000 lottery tickets in front of me at the gas station when all I'm getting is some tylenol and Gatorade for my fucking hangover.

3. The next person who forwards me an e-mail that tells me to forward it to 10 other people or I'm gonna be cursed with 10,000 years of bad luck. Look asshole I have shitty luck already I don't need this shit in my fucking inbox everyday reminding me of it. Next person that sends me one of these is getting something in the mail from the Unabomber.

2. American Idol-Do we really need an entire show dedicated to picking the next talentless jerk-off to sing music other people wrote for them. There is enough shitty music being made already, besides this is just an hour of Karaoke every week with 3 now 4 gigantic douchebags critiquing them. Get off your ass people and go do something productive with your day instead of watching this shit.

1. Octomom-This fucking lady is trying to trademark the name Octomom now. This bitch is a bitch. She already had six kids before the octuplets and was on public assistance. If you see this bitch walking down the street, do me a favor and kick her right in the cunt so she can't pop out anymore fucking kids and I don't have to hear about it on EVERY FUCKING NEWS CHANNEL IN EXISTANCE. This bitch is everything that is wrong with society.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

E.S.P.N. Did I fuck your Mom?

There are alot of things that annoy and irritate me on a daily basis. Somebody cutting me off on the highway, finding out that limp bizkit is re-uniting for a summer tour. There's always just something pissing me off from time to time, but nothing can come close to the day to day annoyance and blood boiling anger I get when I watch ESPfuckingN. I mean what in the hell did we do to deserve the never ending torture from you? Did we fingerblast your sister when you brought her up freshman year and you were passed out on the couch downstairs. We're sorry. We have learned from our mistakes and grown from them, can you please forgive us and move on, and go back to the good times. When Keith Olberman had that awesome stache, and nobody had any clue who Stuart fucking Scott was.

When I was a kid, there was no greater sound than the dun-a-duh, dun-a-duh sound right before the start of sportscenter and knowing I was going to get to see the highlights from all the days sports action brought to me by Keith Olberman and Dan Patrick, fuck yeah. Since at the time most sports weren't televised and covered as well as they are now, this was pretty much the only outlet to get your total sports coverage. From the top 10 plays, to the rundown of all the latest major trades and free-agent signings. They had everything you wanted to know about every major sport, they reported it and that was it. They didn't go as in-depth as they do now because they only had one sportscenter a night. Give me the news then go to a live sportscast. Not 15 hours of Poker a night with Phil Helmuth taunting me to annihilate my T.V. with my 9 iron. God I hate that fucking guy.

Now there's 75 fucking ESPN channels. They have an entire ESPNews channel and still run Sportscenter 50 fucking times every morning. Why would I change the channel from ESPNews in the morning to Sportscenter. So I can see John Clayton's stupid bubble head repeating what he just told me 2 minutes ago on another channel. I get it, not everybody has ESPNews, but that still doesn't mean you need to run Sportscenter over and over again. Replay whatever you telecast last night in the morning at least it's sports, and not Mark Schlereth and Jesse Palmer jerking each other off in a roundtable discussion about fucking nothing I give a shit about.

The thing that pisses me off the most though, is the way they shove the Red Sox, Yankees, Mets, Patriots, and any other team within 300 miles of Bristol down my fucking throat. It wouldn't be so bad if these teams didn't have the worst fucking moron fans on the face of the earth. There is nothing worse than listening to a fucking Yankee fan drone on about how everybody hates their team and they fucking love it because, "Everybody's gonna be kissing our ass when we win the series". If that does happen I'm moving to fucking Canada.

I know there are people out there who eat, sleep, and drink sports but even those guys are sick of you're shit. I can't even root for a team anymore without hating half of the roster because you morons won't stop talking about their arrest a year ago for drunk in public or D.U.I, or whatever stupid shit the guy has done. Guess what, I don't care what these fucking morons do when they are not playing sports. Pete Rose is a degenarate gambler, do I give a shit, hell no. He's one of the greatest baseball players ever and he was fun to watch. Do I want to be like him, NO. I want to watch him play fucking baseball and that's it. I don't mean that what these guys are doing off the field doesn't impact teams or isn't news, it is, nor am I saying it's o.k. All I'm saying is report it like it's news and move on, don't cut to Skip Bayless(getting his own post because I don't have enough time to get into this idiot right now) and Stephen A. Smith arguing over what this means to the sports world that some super rich athlete went out, got drunk, and did something stupid. If these guys are getting out of hand and acting irresponsibly they are going to get suspended and fined and possibly kicked out of their respective league, and there is also a legal system that deals with them. I don't want it analyzed for 36 hours straight on Sportscenter that Plaxico Burress is the dumbest man alive and shot his own dumbass in the leg. T.O. is a shitty teammate I FUCKING GET IT.

This is all I can muster to type right now. Next Post we will cover why my blood pressure goes up every Football Sunday during NFL Countdown, and what I think of Stuart Scott, Stephen A. Smith, Chris Berman, and Skip Bayless. If I don't destroy my computer typing it.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Tweet this.

I don't know if this is a sign of just how old and out of touch I am or not, but I motherflippin can't stand Twitter. I mean what in the fuck is the point of this retarded bullshit. If I wanted to know what people were doing, I would call them on the GD phone, not check their Twitter page. Everybody has one and I can't fucking stand it. Normally I buck trends just cause everyone is doing it and I don't want to fall in line even when I think it's cool, but I genuinely hate Twitter with a passion. If it weren't for Fred Durst still being alive Twitter would be No.1 on my shit list.

Here's what my Twitter page would say right now if I was so much of a socially inept tool that I couldn't interact with people on a face to face basis or on the phone so I have to do it with constantly updating a 140 character type space on a web page. "Chris is currently hanging from a tree because his life is so far in the crapper that he has created a twitter page to update you of his current status."

Here's a little sample from the Twitter website on the benefits of Why I should have a Twitter page.

Why? Because even basic updates are meaningful to family members, friends, or colleagues—especially when they’re timely.

Eating soup? Research shows that moms want to know.
Running late to a meeting? Your co–workers might find that useful.
Partying? Your friends may want to join you.

Let me just start at the top here.

If you update your Twitter page for the sole purpose of letting your mom know what your up to, you can just yell at her upstairs cause you are obviously in your 30's living in her basement. Log off World of Warcraft and go outside and talk to a human not attached to a headpiece.

If I'm your boss and you have time to update everybody via your Twitter page that you are going to be late to a meeting, your also gonna be updating your resume.

This last one kills me the most. If I'm out "Partying" everybody I would want to join me, would have received a phone call, from me, telling them where I'm going to be making an ass out of myself that night. If you ask me this is just a way for that loser at the office that everyone tells you not to invite out to find out where everyone is gonna be and just show up there. "Hey who's the dipshit that invited Wendell to Bennigan's for happy hour". "Bob posted it on his Twitter page before he left work so his mom knew why he was gonna be getting home later than normal". Now see the kind of problems this can cause.

The thing that annoys me the most about Twitter, is the frequency with which I have to hear every socially out of touch moron on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, and every other talking head on T.V. talk about it like it's an actual news source. "Angelina Jolie stated this morning on her Twitter page". Like it's the fucking bible or something, oh' her Twitter page said it so it must be true. My only hope is that Twitter can be used as evidence admissable in court, if so I'm creating one right now. "Chris is sitting at home right now watching The Daily Show at 11:15 and will be there the rest of the night, so there is no way that he could have beaten the creator of Twitter with a baseball bat at 11:15.

Another thing, do me a favor. If someone asks you today if you tweet, punch them square in the face.

Welcome to my Shitty Blog!

Hi my name is Chris and I pretty much hate everything. From the music I hear on the Radio everyday, to the enormous of amount of crappy reality T.V. that I can't seem to stop watching. Half the stuff I watch on T.V. is stuff I'm watching just to get more upset at it. It's like if I put my hand on the stove and it burns me, but now I'm angry with the stove so I put my hand on there again, and it burns me again. I just can't stop.

So I've created this blog and now I'm going to let everybody else know my pain and frustration with everything I see on a day to day basis, it's either this or I snap and end up hitting some poor schmuck in the face with a baseball bat, likely my roomate, not because I'm upset with him he just happens to be the closest person to me most of the time.

I will touch on lots of subjects on here, most of which I find most people agree with me on, and something needs to be done about, and some things that really annoy only me. For instance, I think the random ass whooping needs to be re-instituted. There are way too many douchebags running around town getting away with all sorts of douchebaggery and no one is calling them out on it. From the tool-bag at the bar in the TAPOUT/AFFLICTION shirt(I know "you're just wearing clothes that express your inner MMA fighter") these fucking guys need the ever living shit kicked out of them any time they are in public. I've tried starting this revolution on my own but it usually just ends up with me getting escorted out of a bar and my face being shown a close up of the front end of a police cruiser.

That's another thing I want to discuss. Why does the inside of a cop car have to be so fucking goddamned cramped. I mean you've already got me in cuffs and in the car, I'm not fucking going anywhere now so the least you can do is make it a little more comftorable for me back there. Is the average criminal like 3' tall and 75lbs or something. I mean if there was ever a time where 2 people my size 6' 1" 240 got arrested at the same time their gonna need more than 1 car, which is just gonna cost more money in gas to take us downtown, which adds up to a waste in government funds if you ask me. So to sum up, we could save a shitload of wasted tax money by not handcuffing me and putting me in the back of a cop car. This and many other ideas for saving taxpayer's money to come.

Well that's about it for the first post, my blood pressure is starting to rise from writing that last paragraph so I need to go smash one out and take a nap.