This Week's Top 10 Shit I Hate.

10. Marilyn Manson-Why do all the good musicians die of drug overdoses.
9. This Show-Seriously, this actually has made it onto T.V. God I fucking hate the E channel.
8. American Idol-Thank god this shit is over, somebody told me it was the lowest rated of the finales. The only reason I give a shit about this information is that hopefully this means they won't put this shit back on T.V. again.
7. Carlos Mencia-So on top of being the least funniest person with their own comedy show, he also has a twitter account. You know that he's about as mexican as The Pope right.
6. Queen Latifah-She was on American Idol this week, combining my two favorite things, fat black lesbians I can't stand and music that makes me wish I was deaf.
5. My Fucking Hair-Still in the middle of the pack but I have a feeling it's taking a turn for the better very soon. Actually, I don't. I just need some glimmer of hope right now so that's what I'm going with.
4. Whiskey-I've stayed away from it for 3 weeks now and my hangovers are extremely grateful and so is my liver. I just hope I don't get sloppy drunk this weekend and accidentally "hook up" with it.
3. Humidity-This will surprise nobody that knows me, but I'm a bit of a sweater and it's getting close to the time of year when it's getting humid out and that makes it 1,000 times more likely that I need two shirts wherever I go.
2. This Guy-If you see this guy, kick his ass. Or buy him a shot of Jack Daniels either one will do.
1. Fred Durst-Some people don't understand why I hate this guy so much, those people also have lives and contribute to society. So whose the real idiot in this scenario.

E.S.P.N. Did I Fuck Your Mom? Part 2

In the last post I covered the basic reason I have come to loathe the Worlwide Leader on a daily basis. In this part we will cover the people on the channel that need to go, and some of the shows that we could do without.

First off, everybody on Sunday NFL countdown except for Ron Jaworski needs to go. Berman stopped being funny a week after he started and now is more of a annoyance than anything else. He needs to be "rumblin, bumblin, stumblin, whoop, whooping," to the fucking unemployment line. Get rid of this fat fuck. The rest of the panel can barely speak English, and if I have to listen to Keyshawn Johnson relate everything that is going on in Football now with what was going on in his career my head is gonna explode, he was once told by his team to just not even show up, just go home and sit on the couch and we'll pay you, we just don't want you anywhere near the field, we're good. Sounds like a guy I want on my broadcast team. Well I guess he did replace the guy who got caught with hookers and blow in his hotel room. At least Irvin was fun to laugh at though. The show is so long and drawn out, they publicly fellate the fucking Patriots every 5 minutes on there and it needs to go.

Around the horn is another show I could do without. There is a reason these people all became sportswriters at newspapers. They shouldn't be on fucking T.V. If you ask me sportswriters are some of the most sanctimonious pricks to ever walk the earth. I have a tendency to always think I'm right, mostly because I am, but I never think that my opinion on something is what everybody else's view should be. These fucking jerk-offs love having their opinions matter. They get to do the hall of fame voting, they get to vote on the college football standings, when .1% of them have played college football. Now you're gonna put a bunch of them on T.V. and inflate there egos more. I wish my opinion on things had as much influence as these morons, asian women would never drive again that's for sure. There is no reason that these guys should have any say so with anything to do with sports except to write about it. That's it. Letting these guys vote on the College Football standings every year is like giving a busload of Jerry's kids power tools and telling them to build a house, it's fucked. Morons.

Now let's get to my favorite part about the Worlwide Leader in Sports Stuart Scott and Skip Bayless. First of all Stuart Scott is the whitest black guy on the planet. I have jewish friends who are blacker than this guy(if you've seen my friend larry devour a plate of chicken wings you know). I could rub shoe polish on my face and announce the highlights with an urban dicitionary in front of me and do a better job than this guy. It wouldn't be such a problem if he would just face the fact that he is a white man in a black guy's body, but he can't. So he has to try really hard with all the "booyah's" and "takin it to the hizzy" I've never wished so many bad things on a person like I have when I watch this guy doing sportscenter. I'm pretty sure I've wished bad things onto his kids before too. Maybe a mild case of retardation, yes, no, over the line, maybe. I don't care fuck this guy.

My favorite person by far and away on this channel is Skip Bayless. First of all I have absolutely no idea how this guy qualifies to be on ESPN talking about sports. I know he has been a prize winning journalist and once accused Troy Aikman of being gay(where he gets off accusing anyone of being gay is beyond me, just watch this guy for five minutes, he is gayer than AIDS)
but to give this pile of filth his own forum where he can blather on for hours on live T.V. is just pathetic, I would spend more time ripping on this guy, but he doesn't deserve that much space on this blog.

He is the reason I can't stand ESPN now, it's all about opinions and drama and ratings. I just want to see highlights and scores, and interviews. How about broadcasting shit people want to watch. Not shit that is just gonna make them hate every athelete around. I have done plenty of fucked up shit in my life but it's not news because I'm not famous. These athletes are just like you and me, if somebody showed up at my door and told me they were gonna pay me millions of dollars to play sports, you can bet your ass I'm gonna end up on the news someday doing something I shouldn't have, people are gonna make mistakes, especially when you're young and have been given a shit ton of money to play a GAME. All these jackasses on ESPN now just sit around a table and spew on about how stupid these guys are and how they let their team down with their actions. This kind of shit has been going on for decades, Babe Ruth was a drunk womanizer, but to almost every person around he is arguably the greatest baseball player ever. If ESPN were around then he might not of even gotten into the hall of fame. ESPN is just a small picture of basically everything that is wrong with society, nobody wants to make an effort to put something intelligent out there, fuck no, that takes time and effort.

Last Week's Top 10

Sorry I'm a little late putting this up, I've been busy trying to find a cure for "Swine Flu" and by Swine Flu I mean my hangovers.

10. Tila Tequila-I checked and she is still alive and I am not too happy about this people.

9. Driving-I'm getting really sick of it lately and people on the roads are not helping me with this. Pretty soon I'm going to be carrying a box of nails in the car and randomly just throwing them out the window.

8. The Cold-I have one and it sucks my sleeve is covered in my own mucus and my throat is killing me. We really don't have a cure for this yet, fucking ridiculous.

7. My Golf Game-It has recently taken a nose dive and I really don't have anything to blame it on but myself and I'm not too happy about it. So I'm blaming it on Fred Durst.

6. Daisy of Love-It's bad enough they had a second season of Rock of Love, now they are taking one of the whores from the first show who didn't win and giving her a show. If you are feeling down about your life just watch 5 minutes of the douchebags on there trying to win a "date" with this diseased whore and you will feel like "the most interesting man in the world" from the dos equis commercial.

5. My Fucking Hair-I recently got a new haircut so I'm not as pissed as I have been in the last week's with it so it's hovering in the middle of the pack right now.

4. The Boston Celtics-I'm actually putting them up here because I'm glad their gone and I don't have to see Paul Pierce and his chin pubes on my T.V. anymore, thank god Orlando finally didn't blow a fourth quarter lead.

3. My Beard-Not much improvement here in the last week. I'm thinking maybe a can of spray on hair will fix this patch that won't grow on my face.

2. Cats-I was around some this weekend and I'm allergic to them and I'm convinced this is why I'm getting sick now. I have no actual medical proof to base this on I just have decided that I hate cats and they have now made me sick. Fuck cats. I kick them when people aren't looking.

1. Fred Durst-Limp Bizkit has just finished up their European reunion tour and now they are in the studio to record a new album.(leaves room and finds needle to puncture own eardrums)The only thing that could make me happier now is if Insane Clown Posse release an album at the same time.

This weeks Top 10

10. Tila Tequila-why is this bitch even famous. She looks like a gremlin and somebody needs to kick this bitch in the cunt. Stat.
9. Glenn "Big Baby" Davis-He hits the game winning shot in last nights celtics-magic game meaning more Paul Pierce on my T.V. which is enough of a reason to hate him. But then he has to bowl over some kid in the stands after making the shot and then gives the worst post game interview. He could not have sounded more like a caveman. Fuck this dude.
8. Baseball-See the below post.
7. Minnesota Vikings-There are alot of people out there bitching about my beloved Brett Favre coming back and I blame this squarely on the Vikes. He isn't the one soliciting this, they are coming after him and my favorite sports channel of all time won't stop talking about it and pissing everyone off.
6. Tila Tequila-I really hate this bitch right now and I'm lazy so I'm putting her on here twice. Somebody please smack the shit out of her.
5. My Fucking Hair-It's fallen back to Number 5 this week from Number 2. It's looking a little better this week, and I've decided to try and grow a beard and it's not working out so well so I'm more pissed about that.
4. My Beard-I've always been lacadasical about the shaving and since I currently have no reason too, I've decided to grow a beard for the NHL playoffs even though my team is out, it's as good a reason anyway, but somehow my face is unable to grow hair in a one inch square on my face and it's really fucking this up for me.
3. Whiskey-I've loved you for so long but I've decided to take a little break from you. I mean you almost killed me last week, not to mention you're constantly getting me kicked out of bars and also to blame for all the recent falls that I've had. It's not you it's me. If we're meant to be together we will come back to each other, but for now it's over.
2. Fred Durst-Mister consistency. I can't wait for this talked about new Limp Bizkit album to come out.
1. I'm a Celebrity get me out of here- I saw a commercial for this show last night and there is not a single person on this show who is a celebrity. Heidi and Spencer, Janice Dickinson, Stephen Baldwin, these people are famous for being fucking pathetic. They are dropping these people in the jungle or some shit and have to live there for a month. They should call this "I'm a douchebag and somebody needs to hunt me down in this jungle and shoot me on live T.V. I'd fucking watch that.

Fuck Baseball

I've had it with professional baseball. I'm sick of hearing about the steroids, the congressional hearings, the hall of fame voting. I don't fucking give a flying fuck anymore. They don't have a salary cap and these guys are the most outrageusly overpaid of any of the major sports.

When I was younger I played baseball and watched a decent amount on T.V. But there is no way you could even pay me to sit through an entire game on T.V. now. How am I supposed to give a shit about a game in the middle of May when you play 162 games in a fucking season. It is completely pointless to watch a game unless it's September. Going to a game use to be a good time too, but now it costs so much fucking money I'm expecting a blow job for the 7th inning stretch with how much I'm shelling out for the ticket, beers, shitty food, and some of your teams shitty merchandise. Who wants to pay $200 for two people to go watch your team play say the Pittsburgh Pirates in June, in a game that don't mean shit against a team that I'm pretty sure me and 8 crackheads could beat.

Bud Selig is the biggest joke of a commisioner of any sport of any era I've ever seen. He lets the steroid use get completely get out of hand and then when Congress gets involved he acts completely aloof like he had no idea that it was that big of a problem. Look at the fucking players today compared to the ones 30 years ago you fucking moron. I mean I know there is more of an emphasis on conditioning and working out now more than there was then, but come on most of these guys look like they could be playing linebacker in the NFL.

If I played Major League Baseball 20 years ago I would be lobbying the Hall of Fame voters that no one who played past 1990 should be voted into the Hall. It's a fucking joke what these guys have done to the game. They've turned it into the WWE. Nobody has any respect for the players and no kid growing up gives a shit about Baseball. Look in the obituaries tomorrow. Those are all baseball fans dying and there being replace with Football fans. Mark my words in 15-20 years no one is gona give a shit about baseball and no one is gonna be going to the games. I can't wait for it.

If you're in your late 20's or early 30's and have a son are you thinking of taking him to see your favorite baseball team to a meaningless game in any part of the season and dropping 2 bills on it, or would you rather go see your favorite football team play in a game that is gonna mean something since they only play 16 of them, and pay the same amount. Wake the fuck up baseball you're becoming slowly irrelavant and you've turned yourself into such a soap opera joke that nobody has the patientce for it anymore, lower the ticket prices, shorten the season and add more teams to the playoffs. With small market teams not being able to pay for the free agents to field a decent team most of their fans are never gonna see their team play for a pennant in their lifetime.

So in conclusion I would like everyone to join me in boycotting baseball until they make some changes, I mean they don't have a problem going on strike and missing half a season, why can't we do the same to them. Fuck'em I've already wasted enough of my time on baseball just writing this.

I Hate Asian Golfers.

Look I'm no Tiger Woods and you're not gonna be seeing my jolly ass on the Tour anytime soon, but I don't completely suck at golf. I can shoot in the 70's on occasion, but if you suck and you know you suck, let me play through you fucking jackasses. There is absolutely no reason why me and my friends played the front 9 in an hour and 40 minutes and then took 3 hours to play the back 9 Saturday.

There is nothing worse than standing in the middle of the Fairway for 20 fucking minutes while Chen, Chong, Lee, and Chan, line up every 3 and 4 foot putt up on the green. With a temper like mine I can barely keep from hitting line drives right into the middle of their foursome and then they have to go and pull some shit like that. This is not a Tour event jackasses it's fucking Saturday afternoon on a public course. Don't make me run you over with my fucking cart.

So if you live in the Greater Columbus area and golf beware, I may be in the foursome behind you, and if you're not keeping pace you better let the people behind you play through. I have hit people on the course with my ball before and I'm guessing I will probably do it again.

This weeks Top 10 things I hate.

I've decide to make this list the Top 10 things I hate, because there's just so much stuff out there I can't stand. There are still plenty of people who need an ass whooping but there are many more things that just piss me the fuck off.

10. The Economy-I tell you what. I wish I could use the economy as an excuse for everything the way the news does. Like if a friend asks me to help them move this weekend. "I would help, but you know with the way the economy is right now I just don't think I'm gonna be able to do it."

9. Perez Hilton-This fucking douche asks a question to some ditzy fucking pageant contestant and then is gonna get upset with her opinion. If I threw a giant hissy fit every time I asked a stupid person a question I would never be able to order food at a restaurant, and I would never be able to go to the South again. Fuck this whiny queen.

8. The Weather-Fuck the weather.

7. David Spade-I was unaware that this monstrously large tool still had his own fucking T.V. show until I saw a commercial for it the other day. The fact that someone out there is watching it is pissing me off to no end right now.

6. H1N1 Virus-Yea I know it's called swine flu. But unless all you morons don't stop calling it that, every country that is dummer than ours is gonna keep banning our pork products and creating more job loss. Just call it "Ikea Flu" or "French Wine Flu" something that fucks somebody else over.

5. Ryan Seacrest-I don't know what to say really, fuck this dude.

4. Fox News-Earlier this week some moron on this channel(Sean Hannity) proclaimed that Kim Kardashian is a role model to young girls in this country. Yea good work Sean, I know every father in the nation wants to see his little girl in a sex tape with her mouth wrapped around some guys giant schlong. Fucking morons.

3. Fred Durst-Slowly making his way to Number one.

2. My fucking Hair-I'm starting to come to grips with the fact that it's falling out and I'm ordering a shitload of propecia and that shit better work, or I'm gonna have to start working out like 12 hours a day. There is no way I can go through life fat and bald. Nothing says hey ladies get it while you can, like an overweight really angry bald guy.

1. Jay Leno-I thought we got rid of this guy and now he's got another show that is the exact same thing as the last one except now it's on an hour and a half earlier. He's not fucking funny NBC, get it through your thick fucking skulls. He never has been and never will be funny. Have you seen Jay Leno's stand up before he was the host of the Tonight Show. I would rather change a old man's shitty diaper with my mouth than watch 5 minutes of Jay Leno stand up, honestly.

I Want My MTV

Along with the Worlwide leader in sports, there is another channel that irritates the crap out of me and if let up to me, would not be broadcast to anyone with a penis, and over the age of 12.
(If you are not penisless and under the age of 12. Then please for the love of god, STOP WATCHING FUCKING MTV.) I remember when they played music on this channel and even then it was only mildly tolerable. Now I don't even know if bands still make videos, so there's not even a reason too have this fucking channel.

For years they tortured me with that fucking TRL bullshit. There is nothing I would have loved more than to drive a bus through the crowd of morons standing in front of the MTV building everyday during this program. I would just use Natural Selection as my defense, and play the judge 2 hours of Carson Daly hosting TRL and Nickelback videos and there is no way anybody could convict me of any wrongdoing.

The endless amount of retarded programming on this channel is the worst. The Real World/Road Rules challenge is on like it's 10th season. Really? I want to meet the people taking time out of their day to sit down and watch that.(Please if you do watch the show, send me an email I want to talk to you) I myself have fallen victim to The Hills on several occasions. There isn't a single time you can tune into that show and not get so fucking pissed that somebody like Spencer is on fucking TV.

There are some people who are like, "you're just jealous cause there on t.v. and living a life you wish you could have". To which I have to say, "If I wanted to be a vapid whore with nothing to do but go to a pretend job and be a ditzy cokehead all day I guess you're right, I am jealous." What I really am mad about is that I live in a world where people are so fucking pathetic and stupid that they tune in every week and watch these motherfucking people and look up to them.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is, I just need a hug.

This week's Top 10 people who need a random ass whooping

Every Friday I plan on posting the Top 10 people who need their ass publicly whooped and this week these are those fucking people.



10. Bill O'Reilly-This week he complained about Eminem's video with Sarah Palin in it. Bill we all know you've got a giant woody for her, get over it and just fuck Ann Coulter already and spawn the biggest political pundit pile of douche.

9. Fred Durst-Recently my favorite band of all time announced they are re-uniting to do a summer tour. I can only hope that Hinder, Nickelback and Seether are on the ticket too. Man I can't fucking wait. Kill me now.

8. Eric Mangini-I can't wait for another season of watching the Browns being the second biggest joke in the NFL(thank you Cincinnati for signing Tank Johnson).

7. Queen Latifah-I saw her in the crowd rooting for Lil Kim the other day on Dancing with the Stars and it just reminded me of how much I hate this bitch, but I really don't even know why, she still sucks.

6. Kathy Griffin-I mean really, can anybody stand this bitch. Really?

5.Crocs-Tim Tebow wears them, do I need to say anymore.

4.You-You're always driving 60 in the fast lane, buying 50,000 lottery tickets in front of me at the gas station when all I'm getting is some tylenol and Gatorade for my fucking hangover.

3. The next person who forwards me an e-mail that tells me to forward it to 10 other people or I'm gonna be cursed with 10,000 years of bad luck. Look asshole I have shitty luck already I don't need this shit in my fucking inbox everyday reminding me of it. Next person that sends me one of these is getting something in the mail from the Unabomber.

2. American Idol-Do we really need an entire show dedicated to picking the next talentless jerk-off to sing music other people wrote for them. There is enough shitty music being made already, besides this is just an hour of Karaoke every week with 3 now 4 gigantic douchebags critiquing them. Get off your ass people and go do something productive with your day instead of watching this shit.

1. Octomom-This fucking lady is trying to trademark the name Octomom now. This bitch is a bitch. She already had six kids before the octuplets and was on public assistance. If you see this bitch walking down the street, do me a favor and kick her right in the cunt so she can't pop out anymore fucking kids and I don't have to hear about it on EVERY FUCKING NEWS CHANNEL IN EXISTANCE. This bitch is everything that is wrong with society.

E.S.P.N. Did I fuck your Mom?

There are alot of things that annoy and irritate me on a daily basis. Somebody cutting me off on the highway, finding out that limp bizkit is re-uniting for a summer tour. There's always just something pissing me off from time to time, but nothing can come close to the day to day annoyance and blood boiling anger I get when I watch ESPfuckingN. I mean what in the hell did we do to deserve the never ending torture from you? Did we fingerblast your sister when you brought her up freshman year and you were passed out on the couch downstairs. We're sorry. We have learned from our mistakes and grown from them, can you please forgive us and move on, and go back to the good times. When Keith Olberman had that awesome stache, and nobody had any clue who Stuart fucking Scott was.



When I was a kid, there was no greater sound than the dun-a-duh, dun-a-duh sound right before the start of sportscenter and knowing I was going to get to see the highlights from all the days sports action brought to me by Keith Olberman and Dan Patrick, fuck yeah. Since at the time most sports weren't televised and covered as well as they are now, this was pretty much the only outlet to get your total sports coverage. From the top 10 plays, to the rundown of all the latest major trades and free-agent signings. They had everything you wanted to know about every major sport, they reported it and that was it. They didn't go as in-depth as they do now because they only had one sportscenter a night. Give me the news then go to a live sportscast. Not 15 hours of Poker a night with Phil Helmuth taunting me to annihilate my T.V. with my 9 iron. God I hate that fucking guy.



Now there's 75 fucking ESPN channels. They have an entire ESPNews channel and still run Sportscenter 50 fucking times every morning. Why would I change the channel from ESPNews in the morning to Sportscenter. So I can see John Clayton's stupid bubble head repeating what he just told me 2 minutes ago on another channel. I get it, not everybody has ESPNews, but that still doesn't mean you need to run Sportscenter over and over again. Replay whatever you telecast last night in the morning at least it's sports, and not Mark Schlereth and Jesse Palmer jerking each other off in a roundtable discussion about fucking nothing I give a shit about.

The thing that pisses me off the most though, is the way they shove the Red Sox, Yankees, Mets, Patriots, and any other team within 300 miles of Bristol down my fucking throat. It wouldn't be so bad if these teams didn't have the worst fucking moron fans on the face of the earth. There is nothing worse than listening to a fucking Yankee fan drone on about how everybody hates their team and they fucking love it because, "Everybody's gonna be kissing our ass when we win the series". If that does happen I'm moving to fucking Canada.

I know there are people out there who eat, sleep, and drink sports but even those guys are sick of you're shit. I can't even root for a team anymore without hating half of the roster because you morons won't stop talking about their arrest a year ago for drunk in public or D.U.I, or whatever stupid shit the guy has done. Guess what, I don't care what these fucking morons do when they are not playing sports. Pete Rose is a degenarate gambler, do I give a shit, hell no. He's one of the greatest baseball players ever and he was fun to watch. Do I want to be like him, NO. I want to watch him play fucking baseball and that's it. I don't mean that what these guys are doing off the field doesn't impact teams or isn't news, it is, nor am I saying it's o.k. All I'm saying is report it like it's news and move on, don't cut to Skip Bayless(getting his own post because I don't have enough time to get into this idiot right now) and Stephen A. Smith arguing over what this means to the sports world that some super rich athlete went out, got drunk, and did something stupid. If these guys are getting out of hand and acting irresponsibly they are going to get suspended and fined and possibly kicked out of their respective league, and there is also a legal system that deals with them. I don't want it analyzed for 36 hours straight on Sportscenter that Plaxico Burress is the dumbest man alive and shot his own dumbass in the leg. T.O. is a shitty teammate I FUCKING GET IT.

This is all I can muster to type right now. Next Post we will cover why my blood pressure goes up every Football Sunday during NFL Countdown, and what I think of Stuart Scott, Stephen A. Smith, Chris Berman, and Skip Bayless. If I don't destroy my computer typing it.