I don't need to have a gun in the car ever.

Earlier today I was in the car with my roomate and he was driving. There was a van in front of us in the lane to our right, when all of a sudden they pull into our lane and slam on the brakes. They put on their turn signal but just sat there and didn't get into the turn lane. So their just at a complete stop right in front of us and my roomate doesn't notice until the last minute and has to swerve around them and almost clips their back end. After we pass them he flips them off and I figured they turned and got on the highway. But then I noticed them pulling up next to us. I lean out the window and start yelling at the guy.

Here is our conversation from what I can remember.
Stupid Middle Easterner(Go Figure)-Is there a problem.
Me-Yeah, you just stopped in the middle of the fucking lane and we almost ran right into you, fucking moron.
Stupid Fuck-It was not my fault.
Me-You are a shitty fucking driver and you almost caused an accident you moron.
Stupid Fuck-Have you ever been confused, It was not my fault.
Me-Oh it's not you're fault you're a shitty driver. Well my bad I'm sorry.(Roll's up window while moron is still talking)

My roomate was laughing so much at my conversation with the guy that I couldn't stay mad at this guy so I just rolled up the window while he was talking. Now if there had been a gun in the car this escalates into a legal problem I just don't need right now. I may not have used it, but I definately would have waved it in his face at least to try and make him shit his pants. I need counseling.

I Hate Asian Golfers.

Look I'm no Tiger Woods and you're not gonna be seeing my jolly ass on the Tour anytime soon, but I don't completely suck at golf. I can shoot in the 70's on occasion, but if you suck and you know you suck, let me play through you fucking jackasses. There is absolutely no reason why me and my friends played the front 9 in an hour and 40 minutes and then took 3 hours to play the back 9 Saturday.

There is nothing worse than standing in the middle of the Fairway for 20 fucking minutes while Chen, Chong, Lee, and Chan, line up every 3 and 4 foot putt up on the green. With a temper like mine I can barely keep from hitting line drives right into the middle of their foursome and then they have to go and pull some shit like that. This is not a Tour event jackasses it's fucking Saturday afternoon on a public course. Don't make me run you over with my fucking cart.

So if you live in the Greater Columbus area and golf beware, I may be in the foursome behind you, and if you're not keeping pace you better let the people behind you play through. I have hit people on the course with my ball before and I'm guessing I will probably do it again.

I hate White Trash

If you were standing in line outside of the Newport in Columbus last night waiting to get inot the Twiztid concert. I was the one who drove through the muddy water puddles about 30 miles an hour and douched you all. Your welcome.

By the way I have no idea who Twiztid is but they must be some insane clown posse type band because I have never seen so much white trash dressed in face paint in my entire life. It was horribly pathetic, I almost wish the water I splashed on them was cyanide. That might have been over the line...Yeah I think it was. O.K. I wish it was poo. That better.

I hate the H1N1 Virus and the Economy

I refuse to call the H1N1 virus the "swine flu". You can't get it from eating pork you fucking morons. I would really hate to be a pig farmer right now. If I was a pig farmer I would call up the local news right now and tell them I have their next big story. I would have them come out to the farm with all their cameras, go out into the field and pronounce that I am doing the locals a favor and putting down all my pigs so there is no chance of spreading the swine flu to the town and then proceed to shoot every pig in the pen on live t.v. I'm guessing I would then be pronounced the greatest man alive. The interview would go something like this.

Stupid local reporter douche: So why have you called us out here today.
Me: Well these GD pigs are infecting everyone with their stupid flu, so I thought I would just do my part and stop them from infecting anybody.
Stupic local reporter douche: Well sir, I must say this is a very noble thing you are doing, I mean you're gonna waste your whole years income.
Me: Yes sir, but I'm a goddamn American and this is what needs to be done. We should probably just start putting down Mexicans like this too. That way the Economy will turn around also and they will stop stealing our jobs.
Stupid local reporter douche: Well let me just be the first to say that you sir are a true Patriot.
Me: Fuck yeah.

God we are so fucked.

"Don't leave your house, ever, or you're gonna die. Movie at 11."

My job requires me to spend pretty much all day in my car. Since I hate all the crap Clear Channel radio stations play, and they own almost every fucking station around. I usually end up listening to talk radio for the majority of my day. This really doesn't bother me since most of the stuff I listen to is all sports, but today as I'm driving around a commercial comes on for the local news, and the special investigative report that they are airing tonight. I don't really know who is greenlighting the ideas that the moron reporters in this town are coming up with, but that guy is assuardly gonna be on next weeks top 10. Tonight they are doing a story on how easy it is to obtain an official looking police uniform and badge, how to spot a fake cop, and not be arrested by one.

I'll give you a second and let you mull over that last sentence there for a minute........


Really? there are so many goddamn morons out there getting busted or harrased by fake cops that they have to do an entire special on it during the 5o'clock news. If you are getting arrested by a fake cop they should just lock you up in real jail on charges of being such a total fucking idiot that you are a danger to yourself and society.

Where are these fake cops taking you. What fake crimes are they charging you with. These details and more at 5. I can't wait to tune in to this riveting expose. I sure hope I don't fall victim to one of these guys while I'm out right now. I tell you what, somebody needs to go on a rape and killing spree soon so these morons have some real news to report, because the shit they are doing now is goddamn ridiculous. All they are doing is scaring the living shit out of the elderly, since they are the only ones I know who still watch the local news.

According to the 10 second flash of my local news guy on my t.v. Everything I eat today is gonna give me cancer, my doctor is a quack and is slowly poisoning me to death, my neighbors house just burned down, and somebody somwhere is thinking up a scheme to fuck me out of all my money. Oh yeah, and the weather sucks too.

Here are the top headlines I just pulled off my local news channel's website. If you suffer from clinical depression don't read any further.

Sources: Columbus to ask for income tax hike.

Pilot dies when homemade plane crashes.

Ohio: Condemned killer must prove disability again.

Company recalls meat and pasta products.

City to hand out tickets to free Leno show.

The most depressing thing here is the Leno tickets.

So basically if you were thinking of leaving your house today, don't. There are just way too many things that could go wrong and you're better off just sitting in bed and eating some twinkies, but eventually even that is gonna kill you too.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, this one's for you Burke. Fuck Jim Ganahl.

I Want My MTV

Along with the Worlwide leader in sports, there is another channel that irritates the crap out of me and if let up to me, would not be broadcast to anyone with a penis, and over the age of 12.
(If you are not penisless and under the age of 12. Then please for the love of god, STOP WATCHING FUCKING MTV.) I remember when they played music on this channel and even then it was only mildly tolerable. Now I don't even know if bands still make videos, so there's not even a reason too have this fucking channel.

For years they tortured me with that fucking TRL bullshit. There is nothing I would have loved more than to drive a bus through the crowd of morons standing in front of the MTV building everyday during this program. I would just use Natural Selection as my defense, and play the judge 2 hours of Carson Daly hosting TRL and Nickelback videos and there is no way anybody could convict me of any wrongdoing.

The endless amount of retarded programming on this channel is the worst. The Real World/Road Rules challenge is on like it's 10th season. Really? I want to meet the people taking time out of their day to sit down and watch that.(Please if you do watch the show, send me an email I want to talk to you) I myself have fallen victim to The Hills on several occasions. There isn't a single time you can tune into that show and not get so fucking pissed that somebody like Spencer is on fucking TV.

There are some people who are like, "you're just jealous cause there on t.v. and living a life you wish you could have". To which I have to say, "If I wanted to be a vapid whore with nothing to do but go to a pretend job and be a ditzy cokehead all day I guess you're right, I am jealous." What I really am mad about is that I live in a world where people are so fucking pathetic and stupid that they tune in every week and watch these motherfucking people and look up to them.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is, I just need a hug.

Tweet this.

I don't know if this is a sign of just how old and out of touch I am or not, but I motherflippin can't stand Twitter. I mean what in the fuck is the point of this retarded bullshit. If I wanted to know what people were doing, I would call them on the GD phone, not check their Twitter page. Everybody has one and I can't fucking stand it. Normally I buck trends just cause everyone is doing it and I don't want to fall in line even when I think it's cool, but I genuinely hate Twitter with a passion. If it weren't for Fred Durst still being alive Twitter would be No.1 on my shit list.

Here's what my Twitter page would say right now if I was so much of a socially inept tool that I couldn't interact with people on a face to face basis or on the phone so I have to do it with constantly updating a 140 character type space on a web page. "Chris is currently hanging from a tree because his life is so far in the crapper that he has created a twitter page to update you of his current status."

Here's a little sample from the Twitter website on the benefits of Why I should have a Twitter page.

Why? Because even basic updates are meaningful to family members, friends, or colleagues—especially when they’re timely.

Eating soup? Research shows that moms want to know.
Running late to a meeting? Your co–workers might find that useful.
Partying? Your friends may want to join you.

Let me just start at the top here.

If you update your Twitter page for the sole purpose of letting your mom know what your up to, you can just yell at her upstairs cause you are obviously in your 30's living in her basement. Log off World of Warcraft and go outside and talk to a human not attached to a headpiece.

If I'm your boss and you have time to update everybody via your Twitter page that you are going to be late to a meeting, your also gonna be updating your resume.

This last one kills me the most. If I'm out "Partying" everybody I would want to join me, would have received a phone call, from me, telling them where I'm going to be making an ass out of myself that night. If you ask me this is just a way for that loser at the office that everyone tells you not to invite out to find out where everyone is gonna be and just show up there. "Hey who's the dipshit that invited Wendell to Bennigan's for happy hour". "Bob posted it on his Twitter page before he left work so his mom knew why he was gonna be getting home later than normal". Now see the kind of problems this can cause.

The thing that annoys me the most about Twitter, is the frequency with which I have to hear every socially out of touch moron on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, and every other talking head on T.V. talk about it like it's an actual news source. "Angelina Jolie stated this morning on her Twitter page". Like it's the fucking bible or something, oh' her Twitter page said it so it must be true. My only hope is that Twitter can be used as evidence admissable in court, if so I'm creating one right now. "Chris is sitting at home right now watching The Daily Show at 11:15 and will be there the rest of the night, so there is no way that he could have beaten the creator of Twitter with a baseball bat at 11:15.

Another thing, do me a favor. If someone asks you today if you tweet, punch them square in the face.