"Don't leave your house, ever, or you're gonna die. Movie at 11."

My job requires me to spend pretty much all day in my car. Since I hate all the crap Clear Channel radio stations play, and they own almost every fucking station around. I usually end up listening to talk radio for the majority of my day. This really doesn't bother me since most of the stuff I listen to is all sports, but today as I'm driving around a commercial comes on for the local news, and the special investigative report that they are airing tonight. I don't really know who is greenlighting the ideas that the moron reporters in this town are coming up with, but that guy is assuardly gonna be on next weeks top 10. Tonight they are doing a story on how easy it is to obtain an official looking police uniform and badge, how to spot a fake cop, and not be arrested by one.

I'll give you a second and let you mull over that last sentence there for a minute........


Really? there are so many goddamn morons out there getting busted or harrased by fake cops that they have to do an entire special on it during the 5o'clock news. If you are getting arrested by a fake cop they should just lock you up in real jail on charges of being such a total fucking idiot that you are a danger to yourself and society.

Where are these fake cops taking you. What fake crimes are they charging you with. These details and more at 5. I can't wait to tune in to this riveting expose. I sure hope I don't fall victim to one of these guys while I'm out right now. I tell you what, somebody needs to go on a rape and killing spree soon so these morons have some real news to report, because the shit they are doing now is goddamn ridiculous. All they are doing is scaring the living shit out of the elderly, since they are the only ones I know who still watch the local news.

According to the 10 second flash of my local news guy on my t.v. Everything I eat today is gonna give me cancer, my doctor is a quack and is slowly poisoning me to death, my neighbors house just burned down, and somebody somwhere is thinking up a scheme to fuck me out of all my money. Oh yeah, and the weather sucks too.

Here are the top headlines I just pulled off my local news channel's website. If you suffer from clinical depression don't read any further.

Sources: Columbus to ask for income tax hike.

Pilot dies when homemade plane crashes.

Ohio: Condemned killer must prove disability again.

Company recalls meat and pasta products.

City to hand out tickets to free Leno show.

The most depressing thing here is the Leno tickets.

So basically if you were thinking of leaving your house today, don't. There are just way too many things that could go wrong and you're better off just sitting in bed and eating some twinkies, but eventually even that is gonna kill you too.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, this one's for you Burke. Fuck Jim Ganahl.